A Little Girl With Big Legs

I want to tell you a story about a little girl. She's afraid that everyone will notice how big her legs are, so she pushes them together so that no one can tell. She's terrified that someone will bring up the size of her body, the mole on her chin, or the hair on her arms. Where did she get all these fearful ideas? Seemingly innocent comments by loved ones? Overhearing people discussing other people's bodies? Watching television shows and seeing how thinness is praised and admired, but bigger or average-sized bodies are mocked and criticized?

 It's everywhere. No one had to tell her. She just knew. As a result, she became hyper-vigilant not to be noticed as one of those "unacceptable" people with those embarrassing bodies. 

 So now, she makes sure to push those legs together. Always. She starts sneaking her dad's shirts so she can wear them to school to cover her "huge" body. Despite her efforts to remain unseen, sometimes she fails. She internalizes the nicknames, "big girl," "corn-fed," and "chunky." She feels shame when she hears that she has a "big appetite," or she's "always hungry'' or how "she can eat.” 

 She makes plans to fix herself. She starts by trying to starve herself, but it doesn't work. She can't stop binge eating. She doesn't know why. It must be part of her unacceptable-ness. Or, she's "addicted to food," an undisciplined ogre. An outcast. How could she be so out of control with food? All she wants is to lose weight, become smaller, to become a proper 'girl.' As she is, she is not acceptable. She grows up in hiding, full of shame and insecurity. She wonders how a girl of her size could ever be truly seen and loved. 

 She starts working out as a teenager, and it helps a little bit… but life happens. She's no longer able to maintain that level of commitment to her body. She spends the next decade on-again, off-again trying to pursue the elusive smaller body. She's always stressed to the limit with her body as her top priority Why? So she can be beautiful. 

 Sometimes she says "no" to social invitations so she can stay in control of her calorie intake. She furiously tracks every bite so she can shrink her body. She also says "no" to playing with her children. She must squeeze in that workout. She scolds her husband when he brings home treats for her. How can he be so insensitive? It must be so nice to be him, hedoesn't have to worry about calories and getting skinny. Silently, she resents him and every other person who doesn't have to worry about their body. 

Honestly, she's angry at anyone who doesn't have to live like she does. She declines the cake at the party but then goes home and devours everything in sight. She puts so much effort into being small, while some people get it effortlessly! How is that fair? The injustice eats at her. But the weight of this burden exhausts her. She's desperate for rest. All these years. All this time. She longs to be free of this crushing weight of shame. 

 And then, she does find rest. 

She does get free from the crushing weight of shame. 

She gets free from the torment of the scale and the constant food noise. 

She didn't have to stay in that prison.

I was that little girl. 

Today, I am a free daughter of the King of kings. 

My worth is in Him, and I am free to be who He made me to be. 

 Unlike the popular Billie Eillish song "What Was I Made For," I don't have to wonder anymore what I was made for. I was crafted by the God of the universe to love Him and other people, to bring glory to His name, to represent Him here on earth. 

I was not created to be the hottest version of me for the world. 

I was not created to be the smallest version of me to fit into this world's standards. 

I was not created to spend my days and resources becoming the most beautiful version of myself so I can be pleased with my reflection and enjoy the compliments and gazes of passersby. 

 He made me the way I am intentionally, for His purpose. I can rest in that truth, not what the world says, not my own interpretation of what is good, but His. He created me, He knows what I need to operate inside the design for which I was created. He knows what I need to thrive, to live in freedom and not shame. I cannot follow the world's or my own ideals and find the peace and rest I always craved. It's time to lay this burden down and come home to Jesus. He has what we need, He knows what we need. 

If you need help getting free, I hope you'll reach out.