What to Do When You're Afraid People Are Judging Your Weight, Part 1 [Podcast Transcript]

Title: What to Do When You're Afraid People Are Judging Your Weight, Part 1

Podcast Date: August 20, 2024

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Description 

Host Heather Creekmore explores the common fear of feeling judged and criticized for one's weight and appearance. She candidly shares her personal experience of spiraling thoughts while standing in church, obsessing over whether others were thinking critical thoughts about her body. She encourages listeners to stop assuming the thoughts of others, to stop objectifying others based on appearance, and to seek approval only from God rather than from people. The episode highlights the impact of seeking external approval and the freedom found in accepting Christ's love. The episode concludes with an announcement about a new line of merch available on the Compared to Who shop. Tune in to the next episode, part two, for more on dealing with criticism and rejection from friends regarding body size.

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Outline

00:00 Introduction: Heather Reflects On A Recent Experience

06:46 When Perceived Criticism Sends Us Spiraling

11:09 The Problem With Assuming Others’ Thoughts

14:58 Let’s Stop Objectifying And Start Loving

20:40 Living For An Audience of ONE

Introduction: Heather Reflects On A Recent Experience

[00:01:17]:

I'm so glad to be back with you. And the topic of today's show, I think, is one that's gonna relate to many of you. It's what to do when you're afraid other people are looking at you and judging you and thinking, oh, maybe she gained weight. Did she get fatter? Has her appearance changed? If you've ever felt like people were staring and thinking things about you that you would rather them not think about you, then today's episode is one for you. Hey. I am so glad you're here. Let's get right to it.

[00:02:44]:

So today, we're gonna talk about what to do if you feel like people are always looking at you and maybe judging you for your weight or how you look. And I gotta be honest with you. This topic was inspired by one of my own thought spirals. So this is a real life experience I'm sharing with you here. So as most of you know, God's had me on my own body image healing journey for, I would say, over a decade now. But every once in a while, and it seems that it's especially after I've been home visiting my family of origin, maybe some of you can relate to that, I've noticed that some of those old thoughts or thought patterns just seem to come like zooming right back in. So it was a Sunday morning, and I had only been home after visiting family for just a couple days, and I'm standing in church.

[00:03:32]:

And all of a sudden, all I could think about, like, just completely brain was consumed with whether or not everyone around me was thinking I gained weight or thinking I looked fat, And we're standing in worship, and this is where my thoughts are. Like, I probably kept singing the worship song, but this is what my brain was doing. Thinking, does the person behind me think, wow. Like, her backside's gotten a lot bigger than it used to be. Like, is the person in front of me going to think I look like I've gained weight when she turns around to shake my hand? Like, what is this person thinking? What is that person thinking? Oh, what's gonna happen if I run into this person on the way out and they think this? And then, maybe you guys can relate to this. This is what happens in my head. I started making excuses for myself. Like, in my head, I was actually trying to help convince these people that I was sure were thinking I looked like I gained weight.

[00:04:29]:

In my head, am having kind of a conversation with them to try to help convince them that what they see is not a result of laziness or ignorance and, you know, kind of trying to convince them that, you know, they should consider my age and that I'm in perimenopause and that body's changed or that it's been a stressful couple of years and stress can add weight. Like, literally, in my head, I am, like, answering them as if they have said to me, like, wow, Heather, you've gained weight. I'm giving them reasons back, like, as if we're having a conversation. But the thing is we weren't having a conversation. Their criticism only existed in my head. I don't even know if they were thinking about me and my size. Like, I have no idea. And if the conversation did exist in their head or if these thoughts existed in their head, Like, I didn't actually know about it truthfully.

[00:05:28]:

Like, there's you know, they didn't give me any evidence of that, and so there's nothing I can actually do about it. And so after a few minutes of the spiral, I just had to, like, shut it down. Cold stop. Like, what is this? What's going on? Who cares? Why do I care so much? What they think or what they would think or what they are thinking about me. Why am I allowing these thoughts to consume me and consume me during church when I'm supposed to be worshiping God? And then I come to realize, wait, these thoughts aren't from God. These thoughts are actually distractions, and these distractions are actually evil because they're keeping my focus on me and my body instead of on what I'm supposed to be doing here in church, which is worshiping God. And, oh, friend, like, it caused me to stop. Like, what and why? Why does this happen? And if it happens to me, I have a feeling it's probably happened to you too, but it's not benign.

When Perceived Criticism Sends Us Spiraling

[00:06:46]:

Like I said, these thoughts are evil. And it's also not something that we have to just surrender to and that we have to fall into the spiral into the pit. And, honestly, like, if I would go back 10 years to when I was deep in my struggle, I probably would have let that thought spiral from church, like, dictate what happened for me for the next week. Like, I would have come home, and because I had the thought that someone else might think that I've gained weight, I would have to come home and figure out a way to lose weight to, follow me here, correct the opinion of someone whose opinion I actually didn't even hear. It's just my assumption of their opinion. I would have to correct for that in order to make sure that they were happy with me even though I didn't even really have any evidence that they were upset with me for that or that they noticed that about me at all. In fact, I've talked to clients because, you know, I've been body image coaching for a number of years, and it's really fascinating. Like, it's a fun little thing I like to do with some clients, where they'll tell me something, like, well, this person thought I was too fat, or they thought I gained weight.

[00:08:04]:

And we'll start to talk about it more, and I'll find out, like, they never actually heard that criticism from this other person. They just projected it onto them. They just assumed that that person didn't wanna go on a second date with them because they decided they were too fat, or they assume that that friend didn't wanna be friends with them anymore after they had lost the weight and then gained the weight back. Like, they didn't actually ever have a conversation about it, but they assume that their body was the problem in the relationship. And they allowed that perceived criticism to really set them on a course where they're totally focused on trying to change their body to restore a relationship without actually even knowing whether or not their body had anything to do with it at all. Maybe you can relate. Now there is another category, and I wanna be sensitive to that. And this show is gonna be a two-parter.

[00:09:07]:

So Friday, we're gonna continue this conversation. Some of you have heard the criticism. Right? Like, you went home to your families this summer, and maybe you haven't seen mom for a while or dad for a while, and they said, hey, you gaining weight? Like, what's going on? Why are you gaining weight? I'm worried about your health. You know, you heard those things. Or maybe you're living with a spouse who's saying, hey, I don't like what's happening with your body. What's going on here? And so I want to be sensitive to the reality that sometimes those words are said to you. Sometimes that criticism is vocalized, and we're gonna talk Friday about what to do about that.

[00:09:47]:

But today, we're talking about what to do when you're just worried about what other people think of you. Why is that? Why do we go through life so concerned about what other people think? And I'm gonna call a couple of you out here. I don't know. Maybe this doesn't apply to my listeners, but maybe it does. Some of you may think, well, I don't care what other people think. But, candidly, I would encourage you to look into that a little bit more because sometimes that apathy or, like, that attempt at apathy, that attempt at, “I don't care”, “you can't hurt me”, “I don't care what you think”, is another kind of protective mechanism that really just puts a wall up where, relationally, we still don't get close to other people.

[00:10:39]:

Relationally, we're still separated from other people because we've kinda gone the extreme from, I care too much what other people think, I wanna make other people happy, I want other people to like me, I want other people to approve of me, to… screw you. I don't care what anyone thinks of me. And in both cases, we are missing out on real relationship, right, because of either our fear or apathy. And goodness gracious, it does some interesting things to our body image. So that's what we're gonna explore.

The Problem With Assuming Others’ Thoughts

[00:11:09]:

I've got four points for you today. So let's start with the basics. Fundamentally, no one, my friend, is as critical of you as you are of yourself. Okay? Point 1. Remember, no one thinks about you as much as you think about yourself. It's just true. And And if you don't believe it's true, I want you just to spend today thinking about maybe even, like, track it.

[00:11:37]:

If you're a sciency kinda person, think about how many of your thoughts are about other people and the way they look versus how many of your thoughts are about yourself and how you look. Now there are exceptions to this rule for sure, but most of the time, we spend a whole lot more time thinking about ourselves and what other people think of me than we do actually thinking or judging other people. And that means that they're doing the same thing. Okay? And then just another general point here, like, in our walking around life, most people don't notice if you've gained 10 pounds. Right? Certainly, they don't notice if you've gained 5. You might, but they don't. Like, of course, this is really hard for those of us who've been on and off diets. And especially, if you've lost a whole bunch of weight, and you got all the compliments and all the attention, and then the weight came back, which no shame or blame here because that is absolutely what your body wants to do every time you lose a significant amount of weight.

[00:12:40]:

So that is not your fault, and that is not a sign of failure or weakness. That is biology. Right? But it can be really hard when you have received all that affirmation for your appearance and then it goes away for some reason or another. And, you know, friends, frankly, like, you lose a bunch of weight and the affirmation, the compliments, they stop whether you gain the weight back or not because people just get used to you being that way. They just don't notice anymore, and that can be hard in and of itself. But when you have their thoughts spiral, when you start to think, oh, is she thinking this? Oh, did she notice this? Oh, did he notice this? I want you just to stop and say, wait a second. They're probably not even thinking about me. They're thinking about themselves.

[00:13:29]:

And so what is your opportunity in that? When you stop the thought and say they're not thinking about me, you actually get the opportunity to do what scripture says and to think about them in a loving and helpful and generous and kind and gracious and patient way. Right? 1st Corinthians 13 tells us that, like, love assumes the best. So instead of assuming that that person is being critical and negative about you, assume the best. Why not? I mean, isn't it funny how our brains work? Why don't we? I mean, this could create narcissists, so, you know, hear me a little tongue in cheek here. But why don't we assume when we're standing in church that people are gonna see us and be like, you look great. Like, I think you look fantastic today. Like, wow. I'm just so happy to see your smiling face.

[00:14:23]:

Like, why don't we assume those things onto other people? Why do we always assume the negative? So here's my first tip. Just stop assuming. In fact, what I tell my children and really others I've counseled is unless it's been said out loud, do not assume it's been said. Do not assume they're thinking it. Right? Like, unless they tell it to you to your face, you don't have to do anything. You don't have to respond to it. You don't have to deal with it. You don't have to process it because you have no idea what other people are thinking about you.

Let’s Stop Objectifying And Start Loving

[00:14:58]:

Do I need to say that again? You don't know what other people are thinking about you, period. Hard stop. So stop assuming that you do. Okay? Point 2, even if they are judging you, even if they are thinking negative thoughts about you and I know some of you are like, but I could see it in their eyes. I could see it in their scowl. Right? Even if they are thinking, wow, she has really gained weight. Boy, it's a shame. She couldn't lose the weight or she didn't change her body.

[00:15:35]:

Right? If people are actually thinking that about you, then I want you to consider for just a moment that they're objectifying you. Right? And when you have those thoughts about someone else, you are objectifying them. And so let's always deal with our own hearts first. Right? Like, I did an episode on this years years ago, probably even season 1 or 2. But we do have to watch the way we think about other people because it affects the way we think about ourselves. Right? So in addressing your own heart first, we have to stop objectifying other people, friends. Like, if you are looking at your friends saying, oh, she's gained weight. Oh, she's lost weight.

[00:16:22]:

Oh, she looks good today. Oh, she doesn't look good today. That's gotta stop. Okay? And the fact that you are doing that in your own head all the time is probably why you fear that other people are doing that too. Because that's the way you think, you assume that's the way other people think. Okay? And, again, we don't know. Like I said in point 1, we have no idea. Right? But if you will correct the way you are thinking by understanding this concept of objectification, and I talk about objectification in the 40 day body image workbook.

[00:16:58]:

Like I said in the intro, we're doing the 40 day journey again in September. Highly encourage you to sign up for that. You can find information about it on my website, improve body image.com. There's a link in the show notes. But for 6 weeks, you can go through in the afternoon or the evening. For 6 weeks, we go through the book chapter by chapter, and you can come and ask your questions to me. And it's a great group of Christian encouraging ladies, and it has been like a launch pad for so many women just the last two times we've run it. Just so many women are being encouraged and seeing things in a way they never saw it before.

[00:17:32]:

And these are women that have been listening to the podcast, but they are just going deeper and finding freedom they never knew possible. So highly encourage you to be a part of that. But objectification is not the way God sees us. Right? When we objectify someone, we are looking at them and we are making assumptions about them based on the way they look. When we do that, whose economy are we operating in? Right? Does God judge us by our body size or does he judge us by our hearts? Well, scripture tells us straight up. God looks at the heart. Right? Now, I know I know some of you are making caveats. Yeah.

[00:18:14]:

But he expects us to take care of our bodies. Absolutely. Right? But there's a whole lot going on for each one of us that might make our body look different or be a different size. There's things that are out of our control. There's things that are in our control. But for other people, we don't know which is which. So, let's start treating each other like we want to be treated, and let's stop objectifying each other and seeing people as bodies, either good bodies or bodies that need improvement. And instead, start treating each other as sisters who are made in the image of God, who bear God's image, and were made on purpose, for a purpose, and have something valuable to do for the kingdom, to contribute to God's kingdom here on this earth.

[00:19:04]:

Let's start loving each other well. Our love cannot be skin deep. Our love cannot be admiration and idolization of people who seem to have better bodies than we do. Friends, that is not love. That's not what God asks of us. We've gotta go deeper. We gotta dig in, get to know each other, have real relationships with people so that we can love and care for them well. And we gotta get over our body size discrimination and objectification.

[00:19:44]:

So point 1 was you don't really know what people are thinking. Point 2 is even if they are thinking bad things about you, you be the change. You stop thinking bad things about them, and then realize I can't control what they think. I have absolutely zero control over what they think. And if that is the way they're thinking, then maybe what I need to do is just reach out to them with more love. Right? Like, reach out to them with kindness. Maybe I need to make sure that they see me as more than just a body. Maybe I've been presenting myself that way.

[00:20:18]:

I mean, some of y'all, you know, you keep your walls up. You want people to think of you just as, you know, the fit one or the athletic one or the pretty one. Right? That's your wall that you hide behind. Maybe it's time to get out from behind that wall and build a bridge and actually start a real friendship. That's point 2. Let's go on to point 3. Oh, this is a tough one, friends. Okay.

Living For An Audience of ONE

[00:20:40]:

Point 3 is whose approval do you really seek? Okay. Oh, you knew this one was coming. Right? But we should not fear others judging us because, really, we live for an audience of one. Now I know there's been a lot of garbage in churches over the years about God being disappointed with our body size or that we needed to try to get, like, skinnier for Jesus. And I'm not saying that there aren't heart issues that show up on our bodies, because there certainly are. That's possible. But I can tell you for sure that when I was my thinnest, my heart was an ugly mess. And so thinking about the verse in 1 Samuel 16:7, that the Lord said to Samuel, do not look at his appearance or the height of his stature because I have rejected him.

[00:21:27]:

For the Lord sees not as man sees. For man looks at the outward appearance, but the lord looks at the heart. Friends, I was skinny and my heart was a mess. I wanted you to notice me. I cared most about what you thought about me. I thought about myself all the time, and I mostly noticed others if I wanted to envy them or compare myself to them. And sometimes that looked like feeling prideful because I felt like I was doing better than them, and sometimes I felt like I was losing in the competition because I thought they looked better than me. And my heart was a mess.

[00:21:59]:

My body might have looked good, but my heart was full of pride and envy and idolatry. And honestly, friend, I'm heavier now than I was then, but I know my heart looks different now. I'm nowhere near perfect, not even close. But I feel like I'm honoring God in a way that I was never honoring him before. And approval, having other people like us, they are such traps. They've been traps for me and a challenge for me, and it feels so much safer to me to always have approval, to always be liked. And because of straight, like, fear or past trauma or just, like, the lies of the enemy, oh, friends, we can live in bondage to this. Approval becomes an idol, and we lose a part of who we are when that happens because we no longer make decisions based on what God asks of us or even how God wired us.

[00:22:55]:

And instead, we make decisions based on what others want from us or what they expect from us, or like I talked about at the beginning, what we perceive they expect from us or want from us. So, friends, we cannot live for the approval of others. So there's this verse in Galatians 1:10, you might know it. It always jolts me. It says, for am I now seeking the approval of man or of God, Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, oh, this is the part that hurts. I would not be a servant of Christ. For I would have you know, brothers, that the gospel that was preached by me is not man's gospel. Man's gospel, friend, is that if you look a certain way, you will always have the love, acceptance, and approval you want.

[00:23:54]:

If you weigh a certain amount, you will never be rejected. If you wear the right clothes and get the right look, acceptance, friendship, love, they will all be yours. That is man's gospel. But the gospel of Jesus Christ is different. The gospel of Jesus Christ reminds me that I am nothing and He is everything. And it's only because He chose me that I am anything at all. And without Him, I am still nothing. So I must have Him so that I can have more approval and acceptance and love than I ever dreamed was even possible.

[00:24:41]:

Because of Jesus, I am fully accepted. And when I look at him, I see how holy he is and how I can never be good enough, how I can never measure up. And so I also have to kinda come to grips with the fact that I'm, like, a whole lot worse than I ever thought I was. Like, I'm a really good Pharisee thinking, I'm pretty good. I'm a pretty good person. I do pretty great. Like, I'm not a bad person. But in order to fully accept, like, God's grace and love, I have to first see, I'm not as good as I thought I was.

[00:25:15]:

My heart wants to do some pretty evil and wicked things. Envy, jealousy, comparison, idolatry, pride, they are all there and I need Jesus. And it's only when I stop looking around and trying to win the approval of others that I am truly free to accept how approved I am in Christ. And I can stop trying to prove myself. Right? It's interesting, approval has that root word of prove in there. I can stop trying to prove myself to others when I feel my full acceptance in Christ. But I can't feel my full acceptance in Christ until I drop out of the approval rat race. Friends, I got one more point for you, and we're gonna get to that on Friday.

[00:26:12]:

We're gonna also talk about what to do if you are hearing criticism and rejection from friends about your size, and I hope you'll join us then. For today, thanks for listening. Oh, hey. One more fun announcement before you go. There's merch! Some of you have been around compared to who before the podcast even existed and know that I used to take these cute compared to who, like, workout tanks and t-shirts to speaking engagements, and I used to sell them online. Well, the Etsy store is open again. So you can look for compared to who shop on Etsy, and you can find a full new line of cute workout tanks and t shirts that say compared to who.

[00:26:51]:

I hope you'll check them out. Thanks for listening today. I hope something has helped you stop comparing and start living.