What to Do When You're Afraid People Are Judging Your Weight, Part 2 [Podcast Transcript]

Title: What to Do When You're Afraid People Are Judging Your Weight, Part 2

Podcast Date: August 23, 2024

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Description 

Do you have fear and anxiety about being judged for your body size or are you dealing with actual criticisms from others? Heather discusses the need to face the fear and be curious about it, as well as finding grace for both oneself and those who criticize. She emphasizes the importance of seeking help and finding safety in the unconditional love of Jesus. The episode also touches on the societal pressure for thinness and the pitfalls of relying solely on weight loss drugs for acceptance.

Other Episodes Mentioned:

Why I Want to Try Ozempic: https://omny.fm/shows/compared-to-who/why-i-want-to-try-ozempic-what-you-need-to-know-if

Ozempic and the Oprah Special: https://omny.fm/shows/compared-to-who/ozempic-and-oprah-have-i-changed-my-mind

Join the 40-Day Journey: https://www.improvebodyimage.com/40-day-challenge

Shop for cute podcast merch: https://www.improvebodyimage.com/shop

Outline

00:00 Introduction: 40 Day Journey Starting in September

04:17 Facing The Worst Case Scenario

10:17 Surviving The Worst Case Scenario

17:11 Navigating Feelings of Rejection From Loved Ones

22:54 Finding Our Safety in The Savior’s Arms

Introduction: 40 Day Journey Starting in September

Tracy (40 Day Journey Review) [00:00:04]:

I'm Tracy, and I highly recommend Heather's 40 day body image workbook, especially done with her and the Zoom group. It is eye opening, liberating, healing, and a blessing. I thought I was the only one who battled with so many body image issues. I learned I am not alone. Many others struggle like I do, but the shame doesn't allow us to talk about it. Heather says healing comes through community, and it is so true. It's a safe place to share with other Christian women who have similar struggles. Our stories and backgrounds may be different, but we all love Jesus and want to free ourselves from the culture this world has pressed upon us. Freedom is waiting, and Heather leads the way. Thank you, Heather, for all you're doing to help women find healing over body image issues through God's word.

[00:01:02]:

Oh, thank you, Tracy. It was such a blessing to work with you. The Zoom group that Tracy's referring to is our 40 day journey. This is where we spend 6 weeks reading through the 40 day body image workbook that you can get on Amazon or christianbook.com or really anywhere books are sold. Right? So you go grab a copy of the book. You go to my website, improvebodyimage.com. Look for 40 day journey in the menu, and you can sign up. You can join us at lunchtime or you can join us in the evenings.

[00:01:32]:

There's replays available. If you were gonna miss a session over the 6 weeks, you can just watch the replay. But, friends, the encouragement and the process of having to read the book with other people gives you accountability so you can actually make progress. I mean, how many of us have bought a book and we read, like, the first three chapters, and then we're like, oh, this is kinda hard. I don't know if I wanna read anymore. And especially with the workbook, it's like it's easier just to read it than to actually answer the questions and dig in. But, friend, if you want to get free, if you're sick of thinking about your body and your weight and food all of the time, here's your opportunity. It's September.

[00:02:13]:

Some people call it the 2nd new year. You may be ready to start something new, start something fresh. Why not do this with us? It's super affordable, and I'd love to have you be a part. Go to 40 day journey on my website, improve body image.com, to learn more. 

Hey. Today, we are digging into the second part of what to do if you're afraid people are judging you for the way you look. And today, we are gonna do point 4 that we didn't get to last time. And we're also gonna talk about what to do if people are actually criticizing you.

[00:02:44]:

Like, not just that you're afraid they're thinking it, but people are actually saying things to you. And, really, the topic today is fear. We're afraid people are judging us. We're afraid because they have these negative opinions of us. What do we do with all that fear and anxiety? That's where we're going today. I'm glad you're here for it. Let's get right to it. Welcome to Compare to Who, the podcast to help you make peace with your body so you can savor God's rest and feel his love.

[00:03:17]:

If you're tired of fighting body image the world's way, compared to who is the show for you. You've likely heard lots of talk about loving your body, but my goal is different. Striving to fall in love with stretch marks and cellulite is a little silly to me. Instead, I want to encourage you and remind you with the truth of scripture that you are seen, you are known, and you are loved no matter what your size or shape. Here, the pressure is off. If you're looking for real talk, biblical encouragement, and regular reminders that God loves you and you're not alone, you've come to the right place. I hope you enjoy today's show and, hey, tell a friend about it. 

So as a refresher, our 3 points from Tuesday, the three things that I instructed you to do if you are, like, I was spiraling in church, standing there supposed to be worshiping God, and instead thinking, do these other people think I look fat? And maybe this happens to you in a meeting at work or on a Zoom call or when you go to your family reunion.

Facing The Worst Case Scenario

[00:04:17]:

It could happen anywhere. But what do you do when that happens? Well, my point one was remember that you are thinking about you a whole lot more than they are thinking about you, which means they aren't probably thinking about you. They're probably thinking about themselves. Point 2 is remember, you actually have no control if they are thinking negative thoughts about you. So why try to do something about it? You cannot control the way they see you or the way they see the world. And we talked about objectification and how we really need to change our worldviews so we stop objectifying others. And as we stop objectifying others, there's a really good chance that we will be slower to assume that they are objectifying us even if they are. And point 3 is the question, whose approval are you really seeking? Are you seeking man's approval or god's approval? Approval can be such an idol for us, and we dug into that.

[00:05:12]:

So if you didn't listen to the first part, go back and listen to the explanation on all three of those points. But point 4 is this, face the worst fear and see what happens. So this is, I don't know, perhaps good advice. I think it's fairly helpful. I use this a lot. When you begin to feel riddled by anxiety and fear, there's this natural inclination we all have. Right? We were like, oh, no. I'm afraid.

[00:05:46]:

Oh, no. I'm anxious. This is bad. This is bad. I must fix it. I must make it go away. But what if it's not actually as bad as you think it is? Like, fear and anxiety, to some degree, are just normal responses that our body has to try to protect us. And then it's up to us to answer that response.

[00:06:12]:

Right? So if I see a lion walk into my backyard, right, I am going to have a natural fear response. And, hopefully, that fear response will propel my body to do something. Right? We've all heard about fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Right? Hopefully, that fear will make me run inside as fast as possible and call, like, animal control or something. Right? Like, ah, I'm gonna stay away. But what if I see that lion walk into my backyard and that fear wells up. And then I realized, oh, that's not a lion. That's my neighbor's dog in one of those super cute lion costumes.

[00:07:07]:

There's nothing to be afraid of here. Was it bad that my body got too afraid? Like, no. It was just natural. Right? But then I was able to kind of respond to that fear. I was like, oh, there's nothing to be afraid of here. That's what I think we need to start doing with our fear and anxiety around our bodies. A lot of us spend so much time being afraid people would think that our bodies are bad, our bodies aren't acceptable, that we believe that the fear and anxiety that we have are things that we need to cure by fixing our bodies. And that we can actually cure them, we believe that too. 

[00:07:46]:

And that if we could just get the bodies we wanted, then we will cure the fear and anxiety. Right? And then we won't feel those bad, uncomfortable feelings anymore, and then everything will be fine. But the reality is, friends, you can change your body and still feel those same bad feelings, the fear and anxiety. What do people think of me? Do they still think I'm too fat? Do they still think I look bad? What do they think? Are they gonna reject me? Are they gonna accept me? Right? 

You actually aren't gonna make the fear and anxiety go away by changing your body. You actually can never get a body size or shape that is going to override that system, your nervous system, and tell your nervous system that it doesn't have to be afraid of rejection anymore. It's just not possible. And then friend, if you have experienced trauma, maybe you did have a parent that was constantly telling you your body was wrong, or you had an ex husband or an ex boyfriend or friends, mean girls.

[00:08:55]:

Right? You've heard these things. You have faced it. You heard it from their mouths. You lived through that direct rejection. Right? It's gonna be harder for you not to assume that everyone around you has that same kind of opinion of you, that everyone around you is going to reject you, is criticizing you in the same way. Friend, like, that's just the way your nervous system is wired. But my 4th point for you, if you start the spiral, if you're afraid of the criticism, if you're afraid that they're judging you, if you're afraid of what they're thinking, is to be curious about that fear and realize that that fear and anxiety in and of itself isn't something you have to fix. You just have to know what to do with it.

[00:09:46]:

Right? So you feel the fear, you feel the anxiety. And then what if you respond to yourself with, like, oh, yeah. I'm afraid of that. That makes sense. No one likes rejection. Like, of course, that it's reasonable that I would be nervous that people might reject me, that people might not like me. Like, of course I would feel that way. But then here's the clincher.

Surviving The Worst Case Scenario

[00:10:17]:

But what's the worst that can happen? Right? What is the worst that can happen? And I would say, in terms of the scenario we're talking about last time, so let's go back to church and me standing in church. Right? Like, I turn around to shake hands with the person behind me, and she says, wow. Like, have you gained a lot of weight? Like, you look a lot bigger. What size are you wearing now? Right? Like, oh, man. That would hurt, and I'd feel some shame around that. And then I turned to greet the person in front of me, already red faced, and she's like, oh, Heather, it's good to see you. It looks like you've put on quite a bit of weight. Are you doing okay? And I would feel with more shame probably and feel really bad, but I think I could live through it.

[00:11:04]:

Like, ultimately, I don't think it would affect too many other parts of my life. Like, it would really stink. It would really hurt. But at the end of the day, I have to know that, like, there's only so much I can do about my body size. Right? Like, I'm sure I could go on another crash diet and try to lose a bunch of weight just so they would say that I looked good next time I see them in church. But then I also know, like we talked about last time, biology, I’d probably gained it all back plus some because that's the way bodies work. And, honestly, I don't even know at this point in my life if that's possible for me. I think my body, my thyroid, and other issues decided to stop being able to lose weight quickly on a crash diet.

[00:11:53]:

So I gotta just work with what I'm working with. It doesn't mean I don't exercise and try to pay attention to eating healthy and those sorts of things, but I could let their negative remarks turn it into an obsession. Maybe even let me take it all the way to an eating disorder again because they said these negative things to me. Or I can realize, kinda like we talked about last time too, that, boy, if that's the way they're seeing me, that's kind of a problem. Right? And is that problem mine or theirs? It's really theirs. Right? Like, wow. It's kind of a shame that they can't see through my body size to who I am. It's kind of a shame that they're missing my heart.

[00:12:35]:

It's kind of a shame that we don't know each other better where they can, like, see that there's more to me than just a body. And I can kind of feel sad for, like, why they have this worldview that everyone should be judged by the way they look. So I can face my worst fear. Okay. What if they actually say something awful to me, and then I can realize that I'm still safe? And I'm not safe because I've got a better body, and I'm not safe if and when I do get a better body. I am safe because of Jesus. I'm safe because He's accepted me. He loves me unconditionally because I am His.

[00:13:14]:

It's in the shelter of His wings that I find my safety and security. I am not safe because I’ve done something to make sure that no one criticizes me. It's just not possible. So what if your worst fear is actually coming true? What if your body has changed and people around you are saying things? Your husband's upset, maybe your family noticed, maybe your mom has given you a hard time, maybe you're hearing things like, don't you care about your health anymore? Or are you okay with your life sucking because you're just getting so big? I mean, friends, we live in a culture that idolizes thinness. There are only a few body types that are acceptable. And, oh goodness, in this era of Ozempic, like, I feel like we have gone back to the nineties all over again.

[00:14:22]:

Like, we were making some progress culturally. Like, we were starting to accept that people had different sizes. And I'm not talking about the extremes here. Like, there's a lot about body positivity and fat positivity that I just straight don't agree with at all. So that's not what I mean. I don't think we glamorize or idolize fat bodies any more than we should glamorize and idolize skinny ones. But, culturally, we were doing okay in just kind of accepting that people have different sizes.

[00:14:43]:

But now that Ozempic's and Mounjaro and all those other drugs have been approved for general use, I think we are backtracking and coming back to this place where everyone should be skinny and you really have no excuse because you can just get a shot. And I don't think it's good for us. In fact, it's funny. You know? I think Oprah and some other celebrities were kinda trying to start something where they were, I guess, still promoting Ozempic because, you know, like, Oprah's been using Ozempic or Mounjaro. I'm not sure which one. But, like, promoting that these weight loss drugs were out there, but then also saying, like, it's okay if we're able to be different sizes. And there was this big, old, like, forum that she did with a bunch of celebrities involved that was supposed to be this big, like, impetus to start this big movement. And friends, you know what happened? Like, I looked yesterday.

[00:15:45]:

It has 6,500 views on YouTube. Like, cat videos have more views than that big 3 hour long Oprah special. It went nowhere. That message fell flat because in this era of Ozempic, we have no excuse for not having a thin body. And that's a problem, friends, because I really don't think you should all run out and get Ozempic or Mounjaro. I really don't. And I know it's very tempting. Like, it just seems like the miracle, the simple answer.

[00:16:23]:

And I've done two episodes on it. I hope you go listen to them. I do think there's a place for them. I absolutely do. And you can listen to the latest episode I did on it to hear, kind of, the breakdown. But for a lot of you that have an eating disorder background, disordered eating background, and you just want some help to be the best you, the thinnest you, and you believe being the best you, quote, unquote, the thinnest you, quote, unquote, would make everything better and solve all your problems, friend, that drug is just going to take you right back to your eating disorder. It's gonna help you not eat, and that's not gonna be a good thing for your body. And I would say it could lead to a whole bunch of other health issues that may make your body look a whole lot different in the long run than it would have had you not chased, I'm gonna call it, the idol of thinness now.

Navigating Feelings of Rejection From Loved Ones

[00:17:11]:

So please, user beware. Oh, but it's hard, friend. I hear you. You got a husband that's saying, just go get Ozempic. You know? Boy, you look so good when you were 20 pounds thinner. Just just go get the shots. We'll pay for them. Just go get them.

[00:17:29]:

Like, oh, friend, that's a bad situation to be in. And my heart breaks for you as you have to deal with that. Or maybe it's a mom saying that or a dad saying that, friend. But here's what I want you to remember today. Okay? Thing 1, it should be your decision. Right? Like, we do have to give deference to our husbands and our husbands' opinions. Right? Like, and consider them. We are one with our husbands.

[00:17:57]:

Right? We're supposed to submit. But I think it's worth digging more into conversations with your husband about what actually would be the consequences of doing that and sharing your heart with him, getting him additional information on it, not oversimplifying that this drug is going to solve everything, but really showing how this drug actually might make things worse in the long run. Okay? So that's kind of the physical thing, what to do if this has actually happened to you, but let's let's talk about your emotions. What's going on inside? Oh, friend. It feels like rejection. Right? The husband's saying, “I loved you more when…” it feels conditional. Right? And even if he's not saying that, that's how we hear it. Right? Or maybe coming from mom or dad, you know, oh, “we accepted you more when…”

[00:18:56]:

Oh, “you would have more of our acceptance if…” All this conditional love is really difficult. It feels really scary. It feels really unsafe. It feels really uncertain. You can feel really insecure. Like, is he gonna leave me? You know, are they gonna cut me off? Like what, what do I do? Wouldn't it be easier just to make them all happy so I can be safe? And friend, my first encouragement for you, if this is where you're at today, if you're in the situation where you are hearing these criticisms, my first encouragement for you would be to find someone to talk to. Right? Either you can do 1 on 1 coaching. We can work together.

[00:19:51]:

But I really mean a friend. Someone who knows you, someone who knows your husband. Maybe it's a Christian counselor. Maybe it's a layperson from your church, or a leader in your church, a pastor on staff that you trust, that you know, that you can talk to about this. Because your heart needs encouragement. You need to know that you do have people in your court, that you have people that see you as more than a body. That you have people that value you. So that will be point 1, to just try to find, find some help, find some support.

[00:20:29]:

Point 2, of course, would be to recognize even if they all reject you, Jesus has not. He has not rejected you friend. In fact, He gave everything for you because He loves you that much. It was for you, for you. And I know that kind of can feel uncomfortable to believe, like, it was for everyone else. Maybe it just kinda, you know, it kinda fell on me or yeah. Okay. Like, I can have some of that, but it's not really for me.

[00:21:08]:

Like, we feel like when our parents or spouse are upset with us, we feel like God might be upset with us too. Like, if they're disappointed in me, then God's probably disappointed in me too. My friend, that's not true. Like and I wish your husband, I wish your parents were doing a better job of showing you just how unconditionally God loves you. But we're all broken. We're all sinful. Oh, goodness gracious. None of us do a good job loving unconditionally like God does.

[00:21:43]:

And we all bring into our relationships baggage from our past. Right? And so whatever mom, dad, husband, whatever they're believing, whatever baggage from their past has told them, you know, that people are gonna get rejected or hurt or whatever if they don't, like, look a certain way. Like, they're bringing that in. And so there's empathy and understanding that we can lend towards them. But ultimately, friend, we have to remember that Jesus was despised and rejected. Despised and rejected. Now you're feeling the rejection right now, if this is happening to you. I don't know if you're feeling despised or not, but maybe.

[00:22:26]:

And sometimes we kinda jump to the worst. Right? Like, a husband says some comment about our weight. And instead of taking that as face value, like, oh, he's noticed I gained weight. He thinks I should lose weight. He, you know, wants me to do x y z, like, better, healthier, whatever. We take that to a place that it actually doesn't need to go. Like, instead of it being just a general comment on, hey. I noticed this.

Finding Our Safety in The Savior’s Arms

[00:22:54]:

We take it to, oh, he despises me. Oh, he's rejecting me. And we internalize it and stew on it and make it bigger than it actually needs to be. So please make sure you're not doing that in your heart. Right? But if it is that bad, and friend, you need to know that your Savior went through it already for you, and he's got you. You're safe within his wings. You are safe in the shelter of his arms. He is holding you.

[00:23:23]:

He is not upset with you. He's not rejecting you. He loves you just the way you are. My final thought, if that person in your life is rejecting you outright, if they're criticizing your body size outright, is this, it's grace. Because that's really what we all need more of. Those people criticizing you, they need more grace. But, friend, there's not a whole lot you can do aside from pray for them to impart them with more of God's grace. So what do you need? You need that grace too.

[00:24:02]:

You need the grace to feel God's grace for you so that you can extend that to them. And so that you can hear any of those harsh words coming at you, coded by God's grace and love so that it won't sting so bad. Right? So that you can have empathy and understanding to be like, oh, that's where that comes from. Okay. This isn't really about me. Okay. A little bit about me, but mostly it's about them. And so listening through the ears of grace, seeing them through the eyes of grace. I'm not going to let this send me into a downward spiral where I go all the way back to an eating disorder or where I, you know, do something extreme because I just feel so hurt and despised and rejected.

[00:24:48]:

No. You can stop it. Full stop. Say no. Because of God's grace, I can extend them grace even though they're hurting me so bad right now. And then as you feel God's grace, friend, that's where you have the opportunity. Like, maybe there are changes you need to make. Right? Like, you know, it's a good thing to have a healthy relationship with food.

[00:25:16]:

And so if you're still struggling with disordered eating or eating disorder, you feel like you think about food all of the time and you don't know what to do about it. Or if you, you know, just feel really out of whack in your relationship with food, get some help. Maybe God's grace to you is to provide the way for you to get some help. And I don't mean get some Ozempic, and I don't mean start a new diet plan. I mean, find someone who can actually help you have a healthier relationship with food and your body. And I believe you actually have to have a healthy relationship with your body before you can have a healthy relationship with food. Because until you're able to accept your body changing a little bit, you're not gonna be able to be free with food. It's just the way it is.

[00:26:04]:

So, like I said, join us on our 40 day body image journey so you can start that process. I'm not saying you're starting that process so that you can gain more weight. Not nothing like that. Friends, it's not about the food, and it's not about your body. This is about what's going on in your heart, what you believe will make you safe, accepted, approved of. Right? And what we really all need is more of God's grace. So maybe it's God's grace to you that the criticism is coming to lead you to a place where you can find some help if you need it. Or maybe the criticism is coming so you can get rid of that approval idol, so that you can run to the arms of the only one who will ever love you unconditionally.

[00:26:53]:

So you can know that you were adopted in Him, that He is your good father. Even if your parents are rejecting you, you have the best father ever who loves and accepts you. And you can live in that grace instead of trying to find identity, and worth, and value, and meeting culture's standard of beauty. Friend, you got this. No. Actually, that's not true. He's got this.

[00:27:22]:

He sees you. He knows you. He loves you. He's imparted his grace onto you even though you didn't deserve it. He's giving it to you anyway. Stop trying to earn it.

[00:27:39]:

Stop trying to justify it for yourself or make it like you are worthy of it. You're not. You will never be. Just accept his free gift of grace. And then, friend, let the rejection sting, it's gonna sting. You can process the sting. You can grieve it. And we talk about that in the 40 day journey too.

[00:27:58]:

But run to his arms, and he's the one that'll keep you safe. I hope something today has encouraged you, friends. I hope you'll reach out for some help if you need it. Hey. I'm excited about what we have ahead. We're gonna cover a bunch of great topics this fall and do some great interviews that I think are really gonna encourage you. So stick with the show, subscribe, tell your friends about it. Hey.

[00:28:21]:

I encourage you to listen to the show with a friend so you have someone to discuss it with, and that kinda makes it real and apply to your life more. Like, listening, it just kinda goes through one ear and out the other. But if you talk to a friend about it, oh, boy. It'll stick so much more. So I'm glad you're here today. I hope something has helped you. Stop comparing and start living. Bye bye.