Do Body Image Issues Affect Our Parenting? [Podcast Transcript]

Title: Do Body Image Issues Affect Our Parenting?

Podcast Date: March 25, 2025

Listen Here: 

Watch Here:

Description

Heather chats with licensed counselor, pastor's wife, and author Kristen Hatton about the ways that our body image issues can affect how we parent our children. From passing on perfectionism, to trying to control, to expecting our children to look or act a certain way because we're still trying to keep up an image, body image issues certainly play a role in how we parent.

Kristen and Heather discuss the ways our body image issues impact our parenting decisions, recognizing that, for most of us, it's so subtle that we can't even see we are doing it. They also spend time offering hope and encouragement to moms whose children have left home already. It's never too late to redeem a relationship, to apologize, or even to acknowledge how these issues affected the way your child was raised and restore a healthier relationship with your adult children.

Learn more about Kristen Hatton and her books here: https://www.kristenhatton.com

Learn more about Compared to Who?, the 40 Day Journey, and how you can start healing your body image here: https://www.improvebodyimage.com

Transcript

Disclaimer: This transcript is AI-generated and has not been edited for accuracy or clarity.

Heather Creekmore [00:00:01]:

Kristen Hatton, welcome to the Compare To You podcast.

Kristen Hatton [00:00:05]:

Heather, thanks for having me. I'm excited about this conversation we're gonna have.

Heather Creekmore [00:00:08]:

Me too. It was fun. We got to meet a couple years ago at the In His Image Conference in Dallas. You're a fellow Texan. And you've got quite a story, and I'm excited because you're gonna come do two episodes. You're gonna come back, and we're gonna have another conversation where we're talking about how to help our kids with body image issues, food issues, all those things, and I know that's part of your story. We're gonna save that part of your story, though, for Friday's episode. Okay.

Heather Creekmore [00:00:39]:

And what I'd love to hear today is just what do you do? Maybe a little bit. How did you get to this place? I know you do you're a counselor, but talk to us about who you are and what you do.

Kristen Hatton [00:00:51]:

Yeah. Sure. And, actually, my daughter struggle with an eating disorder is indirectly what led me to going back and getting my degree in counseling.

Heather Creekmore [00:01:00]:

Yeah.

Kristen Hatton [00:01:00]:

So just her journey just I I wanted to be able to be equipped to help other moms and people struggling, not just with eating disorders, but just struggling. Yeah. But I am a pastor's wife. So even before getting my degree in counseling, I've been doing lay counseling for years and years. I know that story.

Heather Creekmore [00:01:21]:

Yes. We do. That's right.

Kristen Hatton [00:01:23]:

I'm a newish still empty nester mom. My I have three kids. Two of them are married now. I cannot even believe it. So I now have a son-in-law and a daughter-in-law. Oh. My youngest is in college and, we my kids were really raised in Oklahoma where my husband had planted a church. And then after the youngest graduated from high school, we moved back to Texas and are back actually at the church where my husband and I met when we were in our early twenties.

Kristen Hatton [00:01:49]:

Wow.

Heather Creekmore [00:01:50]:

Yeah. That's amazing. Well, I'm so glad you're here today. You can bring us a counselor's perspective, a mom's perspective, a woman's perspective. Right? Because this is just, like, something that we all deal with.

Kristen Hatton [00:02:05]:

That's right.

Heather Creekmore [00:02:06]:

But we're talking about moms this month, and we're we're kinda handling it from two different angles. Right? There's our mom issues, and then there's those of us who are mothers, kind of the way that we challenges we face in interacting, with our kids. And this topic, I don't know, may might be a little bit of both. Right? But I believe and I I'm curious to see if you agree. I believe that when we have body image issues and then we have children Mhmm. There are some ways that those body image issues kind of filter out onto them, or maybe even a better way to say that is they come out in our parenting. Right. That's right.

Kristen Hatton [00:02:52]:

I agree.

Heather Creekmore [00:02:53]:

You agree? Okay. So so what what like, what comes to your head right off the bat when I say that?

Kristen Hatton [00:02:58]:

Well, I am thinking about if I believe that I need to fix or control or shape my body, then that is probably not the only area of my life that that is fleshing out. So and I know you talk about this on other podcast episodes that I've listened to, but I think it goes back to that ruling idol. Like, what is controlling us? Why do I feel like I need to fix or control my body? Because now, functionally, like, that's my savior. Like, I'm looking to the perfect body, perhaps, for my identity, life, enoughness to fill the hole in our soul, what however we wanna say it. Right. But so if that is the case, it's gonna pop up in different areas of our life. So now all of a sudden, we have children, and our children can so easily become extensions of us, of our identity. And so if you peel the layers back to see what's beneath that trying to have a perfect body, we might also find, you know, that now we need our kids to be perfect because we've tied our worth to their performance and their appearance.

Kristen Hatton [00:04:02]:

And, I mean, the idols can be numerous. It could be you know, we've made ourself, our appearance an idol. Like, we're longing to be glorified by others or seeking others' opinion that we want others to think highly of us. And so what happens as a mom? If our child acts bad, then we look bad, and so we demand their perfection. Right. And that fear of man. We worry about others. What will they think if they see us not as perfect?

Heather Creekmore [00:04:32]:

Right. Well and okay. So for you and I, right, as pastor's wives, I mean, I don't know how you felt, but when we planted because was your first church when you planted?

Kristen Hatton [00:04:45]:

We had done college ministry for it was our first I mean, we've only done one church plant, but we've been in ministry for a lot of years before that.

Heather Creekmore [00:04:52]:

So planting a church. Right? It's not like there was a pastor's wife who was already there. I didn't have to, like, fill anyone's footsteps. Right? And a lot of a lot of the people we drew early on were unbelievers, like people that were unchurched that didn't really have expectations for a pastor's wife. But growing up in church, right, like, I knew I thought I knew, like, what a pastor's wife was supposed to look like. And I was deep in my issues then, Kristen. But I really felt like, you know, as the pastor's wife, right, I had to set the example. My house was supposed to always be clean, and my children were supposed to be well dressed and behave well as we entered church.

Heather Creekmore [00:05:33]:

And, I mean, there was all of these just different layers of pressure. And I know everyone listening out there is is not maybe in that same boat, but I I think we can say that if anything. Right? I've got friends who have husbands with, like, you know, executive positions that would say, well, you know, an executive wife, like, you know, their children are supposed to look like this or act like this. Right? It's these extra pressures we put on ourselves. But I

Kristen Hatton [00:05:56]:

think even just as a believer in general, we think that this is what a good Christian would do or not do.

Heather Creekmore [00:06:03]:

That's good. Yeah.

Kristen Hatton [00:06:04]:

Yeah. And and so often, specifically, with being a pastor's wife. But, again, I think just as just a Christian in general, other people put those, like, expectations on us. So even if I don't feel like if I know, if I'm rest resting in my justification and yet other people can be looking at me like, I can't believe she let her kids do that. Mhmm. And and so that does get tied up into then we feel like, you know, other people don't admire us or they think poorly of us because of how we're parenting or not parenting. Right.

Heather Creekmore [00:06:34]:

Right. Yeah. And I mean, really to some degree, right, it comes down to control. Right? Yes. I mean, you you mentioned that Like

Kristen Hatton [00:06:42]:

your bottom line idol. Right? For mom. Right. Right.

Heather Creekmore [00:06:46]:

I mean, I well, I don't know. This is a really great illustration of control, but I I remember. So I I feel like part of my story is there was a lot of control coming from mom around the way I looked, and I shared some of that, in last week's episode. But with my kids, right, I was and I only have one daughter. I was determined not to follow the same pattern. Right? Like that's that's not gonna be me. But Kristen, I remember it was Easter Sunday, and my daughter had her new Easter dress, and she was probably, I'm talking like three or four years old, like little, little. And she came out to our minivan after church.

Heather Creekmore [00:07:26]:

And my first question to that girl on Easter Sunday after church was, did everyone tell you, you looked pretty? And she looks stunned. She was like, I, I what? Like, she didn't have an answer for me. And then I went to, like, oh, no. Now Now I've just given her reason for insecurity because no one told her she looks pretty. And I've just like set that as the bar of what should happen to a little girl on Easter Sunday when she's all dressed up. Right? But like that, it's, it's weird. That's a core memory for me. Cause I'm like, wow, what am I doing? Yeah.

Kristen Hatton [00:08:06]:

I think we can all identify with that too. And, and I mean, if you peel it back, like, you know, it's like we, if we really dissect our hearts, like, we want that like, oh, we want people to say, you look beautiful because that is a reflection of us. Right. But I think as a mom, we can all identify with that. We want our child to have the the lead role or be the star player or whatever because it's, like, glory to us. Yeah.

Heather Creekmore [00:08:31]:

Yeah. And what do we what do we do with that though? I mean, because some of us just like, I feel some of that is healthy. Right? Like, there's a little tiny bit of that that's like it's it's healthy to be excited about our kids' successes. Sure. Right? But, like, how do we know when we've crossed that line into, like, okay. No. You need to be the star now because mom's reputation's on the line. I mean, there is a line that, you know, that can be crossed.

Heather Creekmore [00:08:59]:

Like, what what are your thoughts?

Kristen Hatton [00:09:01]:

Yeah. It it makes me think of Paul Tripp's analogy of the closed fist or open palms. I don't know if you're familiar with that, but, I mean, just kind of his litmus test for identifying is something a ruling idol. Because you're right. So easily, like, our desires can be fine. We can have good desires. Like, there it's no problem with yes. We want our kid to do well and and maybe to get that role in the play, whatever it is.

Kristen Hatton [00:09:25]:

But But now if all of a sudden, I close my fist tight around it and they have to have it, and if they don't have it, that they're not enough or I'm not okay or I'm swirling and, like, what are you know, people aren't gonna think as highly of us. Like, it's all about, like, what is our motivation? What is our focus?

Heather Creekmore [00:09:41]:

Yeah.

Kristen Hatton [00:09:41]:

So I think that can help us to decide, like, okay. Is this a fine? This is fine. Of course, we're excited for our kids and their different activities and successes.

Heather Creekmore [00:09:50]:

Yeah. Yeah. Asking ourselves that question. Like, why do I need this? Is this something I need? Is need the your word I'm using? Like, what what's going on there? That's yeah. That's good. Well, when it comes to I don't know. Let's let's categorize it as, like, fixing. I don't know.

Heather Creekmore [00:10:10]:

This this has been a big one for me, Kristen. I'd love to hear, like, your thoughts on this. I realized and honestly, like, just within the last couple of months, I've been having conversations with a friend who's having her first baby as I am about to graduate my first. And I I don't know if this happens for everyone. You can confirm this perhaps, but, like, something weird is happening this year for me with a senior. Oh my goodness. I'm gonna get emotional about it. This is this is the weird thing that's happening.

Kristen Hatton [00:10:44]:

Yes. Yes. You're you're not alone. This is very normal for her. Yes.

Heather Creekmore [00:10:48]:

But it's it's like like you spent, I don't know for me, it's spending the whole year, like thinking about, like, how have I raised it? What have I done? What, like, what parenting things could have been better? Where did, what did we miss? But as I'm talking to this friend, who's a new mom and I'm hearing her talk through things that I know I walked through, like, you know, trying to breastfeed better or, you know, make nap schedules better and all of those things that you try to tweak when you have a baby. I'm I'm hearing her say those things, and I'm I'm thinking about my own parenting journey and how much, especially with the firstborn, it was about tweaking. It was about fixing. It was, oh, you're sneezing. You must have allergies. Now we must go to the allergist. Now we must find out if there's something wrong with you, and we must fix that thing. And I feel like it's been a journey of or maybe man, I don't know.

Heather Creekmore [00:11:47]:

Maybe this is a parenting in general. Has been a journey of like, oh, like, how much are things that I'm supposed to help fix? Right? Because if he seriously has allergies, there's nothing wrong with getting right now. Right? So so it's like, what where what is the what is the role as our kids grow for a mom, and how do you, like, how do you I don't I hate the word balance, Kristen. Like, that's a personal pet peeve of mine. But how do you how do you manage the like, there's areas where they do need some shaping. Right? They need some fashion advice. Right? And then there's areas where I just have to let them explore it on their own. Like, that was a huge, like, million dollar question there.

Heather Creekmore [00:12:35]:

But, like, what? I don't know. What are your thoughts?

Kristen Hatton [00:12:38]:

Yeah. Again, I I feel like it goes back to what is it that we or what are we trying to control perhaps? Or what can we not be okay just letting them maybe fail or experience things or being okay that maybe we didn't teach them everything they needed to know or they need to experience something on their own? I mean, we do we have to have so much grace and self compassion for ourselves because we do the best we can. But but I'm with you. I I see a lot in counseling a lot of young moms who are trying to get it perfect. And as if that is going to produce a perfect child, and there are no formulas. And and so much of God's plan for us is we know. Scripture's clear. We are going to have trials and suffering.

Kristen Hatton [00:13:20]:

There are going to be hard things. So even if we could do everything perfectly and everything right, our child is gonna still struggle, but God has us in mind too with that. And I see, like, for me personally, I have grown. I'm a totally different person than I was twenty six years ago when my first born was born. Even I would say five or ten years ago because of the sanctification journey that as my kids have struggled and we've dealt with different issues, God has worked on me and led me to be more dependent on him because I realized more now than I did twenty six years ago that he's in control, not me. And that sometimes the journey for our kids includes really hard things, but it's about them and it's about me because God's doing work in me. And so for that, I'm I'm grateful, and I think that's what makes it hard about telling someone who is going to be a new mom or someone who lives earlier in the journey because they kinda have to learn it themselves. I mean, we can tell them.

Kristen Hatton [00:14:20]:

Right?

Heather Creekmore [00:14:20]:

That's true.

Kristen Hatton [00:14:21]:

But until you go through it yourself, it it's hard to really rest in, like, okay. I do trust God a little better than I did Yeah. Ten years ago because I see his goodness even in the hard things. I see how it shaped my kids and me.

Heather Creekmore [00:14:36]:

Right. And and everything you just said, I think, can be applied to a body image journey as well. Right?

Kristen Hatton [00:14:43]:

Yes.

Heather Creekmore [00:14:43]:

Because it is moving from that belief of I can do everything right if I just eat all the right things and I exercise the right way, which, you know, that becomes a mess in and of itself because things keep changing culturally as to what the right way to eat is. So there are exercises. Right? So frustration in and of itself there. But but if I can just do everything right, then the outcome will be free of trials and tribulations. I will be able to avoid struggle and, you know, be it, like, the struggle of whether or not people accept me or, you know, whether or not I'll accept myself. I think a lot of people get hung up there there. Right? It's it's very much the same, isn't it?

Kristen Hatton [00:15:27]:

It is. It is. I mean, we're longing for Eden. We wanna be happy, and we think if we can control our bodies or we can control situations, our children, that we will be in this perpetual peace. But that's not where God says that we will find peace. Like, we're trying to stuff the hole in our soul with these things that are not going to satisfy. And that's what happens. Right? We might lose weight, but then it's not enough.

Kristen Hatton [00:15:52]:

Or now we have to maintain it, so we're still anxious about it. And I would say too that when we're hyper focused or self absorbed, whether it's with our own body image or it's our kid's perfection, whatever it is. Like, we are missing out on being present and connecting with our children or with other people. And I see this especially with my eating disorder clients, but and also those that just caught in get comparison trap in general. And so I just think about, like, for the mom that is consumed with her own appearance and the need to measure up to a certain standard, it's not just that we put that in our kids, but we become detached from our kids because we're just so self focused. And so I talk a lot to parents about the importance of intentional connection. Mhmm. But we can't have intentional connection if we are so in our heads and that we're not fully present.

Kristen Hatton [00:16:44]:

And our kids kinda pick up on that even if it's inadvertently.

Heather Creekmore [00:16:49]:

Yeah. Okay. So help us with that, Kristen. So there's someone listening today, and they're like, oh, she's right. Like, is there a first step to intentional connection?

Kristen Hatton [00:17:01]:

Well, intentional connection, I would say, takes I mean, it takes being deliberate. Right? Like, we can't be intentional if we are multitasking. We're not being intentional just because we're in the same house or car with our child. And research tells us that just ten minutes a day of intentional connection, and I'm talking about, like, eyes on, like, focus, putting the other stuff away. And, you know, sometimes, of course, our kids come to us and they wanna say something, and we are cooking dinner, and we can't be intentionally devoted to them in that moment. So we say, I what you're saying is really important to me. So, you know, after we eat dinner and clean up the kitchen, I wanna sit down and hear this.

Heather Creekmore [00:17:41]:

But I

Kristen Hatton [00:17:41]:

think instead and I'm so guilty of this. I mean, this is, gosh, been a journey for me because I am always multitasking. And at the time that my boys especially were growing up, I was I was you know, had manuscript deadlines due. And so I was just on my laptop, and I would not be, like, actively listening to them because I'm maybe kinda listening half listening, but I'm not looking at them. And I missed body language that could I could have picked up on, like, they're not well, or they're trying to tell me something that they're not telling me. So it starts with us. I always say that parenting starts with our own hearts, and so we've gotta check our own hearts, like and see that that, like, if we are so self absorbed, whether it's with our appearance or something else, like, lord, help me to see that is simply taking away from my children. Like, I cannot be present when I am self stuck in self.

Heather Creekmore [00:18:35]:

Yeah. Yeah. That's good. And what about the mom who maybe she's in the same place I'm at, but it's not her first graduating. It's her last graduating, or they're gone. Yeah. And she's listening, and she's thinking, I spent that twenty years. I spent that, you know, thirty years focused on me trying to lose the weight, chasing the goal.

Heather Creekmore [00:19:06]:

Can we encourage her today, Kristen? What are you thinking?

Kristen Hatton [00:19:09]:

Absolutely. I always say it's it's never too late. Like, even if our kids are gone or they're soon gonna be gone, we can hear this. And, I mean, God's a God of redemption. Right? And so what does it take? It takes maybe going to them and saying, I am so sorry. I'm just now recognizing this. Would you please forgive me? And be specific. Like, this was ruling me, and you may or may not have noticed or known, but I it's got I'm seeing it now, and I wanna do things differently.

Kristen Hatton [00:19:40]:

I've had I one of my books is parenting ahead, and it's written for parents before the teen years. But I've had so many parents who are like, have older kids or out of the house kids, and they've read it, and they are recognizing some of these things. And I'm like, the that repair work is so important. Like, your relationship does not have to stay stuck, or you don't have to live in shame and regret of what you didn't do. This is God's journey. And so go to that child and confess and let it be made new.

Heather Creekmore [00:20:09]:

Yeah. I love that. And I have a coaching client. I'm gonna try to keep the details vague because I didn't ask for her permission to share this. But she's let's let's say her children have been out of the home for a while. And she worked with me for a while and got some help around eating disorders for a while and went to her daughter, especially, and apologize, like you said. And it's just been really neat to witness and hear her talk about just this restored relationship with her kids and even her son recognizing, like, mom, I I like you better now. Like, mom, like, you know, you're you're so much freer now.

Heather Creekmore [00:20:52]:

You're happier now. You're not always talking about food and weight loss now. Like, mom, this is this is great. And then being inspired really in their own faith walks too, to see a mom who's who's like, you know, kinda come out of, you know, come out of the darkness of, you know, just self pursuit, self improvement pursuit into the light of, no, actually, there's there's more to live for than getting a better body.

Kristen Hatton [00:21:21]:

Yeah. And just think that gives them permission to do the same. Like, it might not be something in their their life now, but when they've seen a parent go first, then they have the courage or or see, like, I don't have to live if I recognize, like, something's enslaving me. I can come clean too. Yeah. I think too, I hear this from, clients all the time of all different ages. What a difference it would make just to hear their parents say, I'm sorry. Mhmm.

Kristen Hatton [00:21:48]:

They want to give forgiveness and grace. Yeah. They want a good relationship. And so it's it takes so little, but it I know for the one, it it takes a lot of courage to humble ourselves and go to someone and admit that we failed them or that we've hurt them and that we need forgiveness. Right.

Heather Creekmore [00:22:04]:

And to trust God, I think, for, you know, that that verse, please forget where it is. It's either in Jeremiah or Lamentations. It's so awful. I I I quoted all the time and that I can never remember the reference, but it's that, you know, the Lord will restore the years that the locusts have eaten. Mhmm. Right? And I think that it, the natural tendency perhaps is to kind of wallow in wasted time. I wasted it. I missed it.

Heather Creekmore [00:22:30]:

I messed up. And I don't, I think what God wants from us, right. Is for us to trust him, that he can restore that he can, like, as you said, bring that redemption, that he's not going to let that be wasted time, that there will be some good for his glory that will come of that. So, yeah, I hope I hope that's encouraging to someone listening. Thanks for that.

Kristen Hatton [00:22:54]:

Sure. Yeah. We're never without hope for that. So Absolutely. Thank the Lord.

Heather Creekmore [00:22:59]:

Well, hey, you're gonna come back. And in the next episode, we're gonna talk about this big mess of how do you help daughters? And I don't know. I said daughters, but it's really boys and girls now, isn't it?

Kristen Hatton [00:23:14]:

Yes. It is.

Heather Creekmore [00:23:16]:

But, you know, I think we can feel especially powerless when we're dealing with these issues ourselves. Right? And then to watch our kids deal with them. And and, I mean, I talk to moms all the time. They're like, I feel a little bit like a hypocrite. I'm like, hey. Don't worry. You're skinny enough. You're already pretty.

Heather Creekmore [00:23:34]:

Don't worry about it. And then I'm saying to myself secretly in my head, you know, you need to lose weight. You're not good enough. And and so sorting that out for ourselves is one thing, but then sorting that out, like, with kids at home who are maybe in a real battle is another thing. So I'm excited that you're gonna come back, and we're gonna talk about how to help our kids in that way. Tell us It's needed. Yeah. So okay.

Heather Creekmore [00:24:01]:

As we close-up today, you've written a bunch of books. So can you just tell everyone, what those books are? They're mostly parenting books. Right, Kristen?

Kristen Hatton [00:24:10]:

Actually, just the last one. So Parenting Ahead is for parents. My first three were for teenagers. That's what led me into writing. So I have, some bible study devotional books. And then one on this related topic, FaceTime your identity in a selfie world, and that one is specifically for girls. And it came it was born and sent out of my daughter's eating disorder, but it's not specifically just eating disorder. It's all sorts of, just different issues that teen girls deal with, but then how do we replace the lies with truth?

Heather Creekmore [00:24:41]:

Awesome. That's fantastic. And tell everyone where they can connect with you, Kristen.

Kristen Hatton [00:24:45]:

Sure. I am on Instagram at redemptive parenting. My website is my name, kristen, k r I s t e n, Hatton, h a t t o n. And my books are all published by New Growth Press and available also on Amazon.

Heather Creekmore [00:24:59]:

So well, thanks so much for being here. Can't wait for our next conversation. So until we see you again. Alright. Thanks, Heather. And thank you for watching or listening today. I hope something today has helped you stop comparing and start living. Bye bye.