What Was Mom's Impact on Your Body Image Issues? Part 1/2 [Podcast Transcripts]

Title: What Was Mom's Impact on Your Body Image Issues? Part 1/2

Podcast Date: November 19, 2024

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Description

Do your body image issues get worse when you're around family? Today, host Heather Creekmore digs into what may be the reason behind why you feel worse about your body at Thanksgiving or Christmas. Heather explores the question: Did your mom have an impact on your body image? While many women know she did, others can't recognize it quite as clearly. But, on today's show, Heather dives deep into the intricate dynamics between mothers and daughters, exploring how maternal influence shapes our body image and how much of this shaping happened well before the teenage years. 

Today Heather uncovers some of the potential influences and connections between body image issues and the mother-daughter relationship. She also speaks to the reality that many of those who have a disordered relationship with food and body image issues will experience a flare-up of these issues when around mom--especially at the holidays!

Heather also addresses the intergenerational nature of body image issues, how they run in families and how your mom could simply be acting out of the way she was taught by her mom. Likewise Heather talks about how a healthy sense of self requires us to have agency over our bodies and our choices around food. And, though it becomes more difficult when we're around family, this "growing up" process is vital for our body image healing journeys.

The episode takes inspiration from Catherine Fabrizio's book, "The Good Daughter Syndrome."

Learn more about agency in this episode: https://omny.fm/shows/compared-to-who/finding-body-image-freedom-through-understanding-a

Learn how to forgive mom in this episode: https://omny.fm/shows/compared-to-who/forgiving-mom-or-others-for-their-roles-in-body-im

Need more help? Consider working with Heather or our team in coaching. Or, join us on the 40-Day Journey starting January 7th. Learn more at https://www.improvebodyimage.com

Transcript

Disclaimer: This transcript is AI-generated and has not been edited for accuracy or clarity.

[00:00:02]:

Life audio. Hey there, friend. Heather Creekmore here. Thanks for listening to the Compare To Podcast today. Did you ever notice how when you head home to see family or family comes to visit, your body image issues may flare up a bit? Today, we're gonna go there. We're gonna talk about the very real and scientifically proven fact that your mom had an impact on your body image issues. Now hear me loud and clear. We're not going there so we can blame mom, so you can, like, confront mom at Thanksgiving dinner and have a big blow up.

[00:00:43]:

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. At this point, it's not about mom.

[00:00:48]:

It's about you and helping you understand why you think, feel process like you do. And that's why this topic is so vitally important. I don't necessarily recommend that you share this episode with your mom because I want you to keep the focus on your story. Likewise, for my friends who are moms, hey. Don't get too caught up in listening to this as parenting advice or as how you could have done a better job as a parent again. Listen today and enter into your own story so you can better understand what's going on in your own heart around these issues. Hey. I'm glad you're here today.

[00:01:38]:

We have the 40 day journey coming up again in January. It starts January 7th. I only have 100 spots. So go to improve body image.com. Look for the 40 day journey, then go grab a copy of my 40 day body image workbook, and you'll be all set to really start a new adventure in terms of healing your body image this coming year. K. I'm glad to hear. Let's get to it.

[00:02:05]:

Welcome to Compare To Who, the podcast to help you make peace with your body so you can favor God's rest and feel his love. If you're tired of fighting body image the world's way, Compare To Who is the show for you. You've likely heard lots of talk about loving your body, but my goal is different. Striving to fall in love with stretch marks and cellulite is a little silly to me. Instead, I want to encourage you and remind you with the truth of scripture that you are seen, you are known, and you are loved no matter what your size or shape. Here, the pressure is off. If you're looking for real talk, biblical encouragement, and regular reminders that God loves you and you're not alone, you've come to the right place. I hope you enjoy today's show, and, hey, tell a friend about it.

[00:02:53]:

Well, hey there, friend. I'm taking a deep breath because this is a topic I've wanted to dig into for a long time. I just really haven't felt like I had the capacity to do the research and organize it and just present it in a way that would be super helpful to you until now. I've recently come across a couple of, what I would say are the missing pieces that I felt like I needed in order to present to you a way to better understand what may be going on for you around your body image issues as it relates to your mom. Now, yes, your dad may have had some role in your body image issues for sure. And as you're listening, you may just automatically substitute dad for mom as you hear it. It might just make more sense to you that way. But don't completely overlook mom even if you are sure she's the innocent party in this.

[00:04:05]:

And, oh, innocent party. That's horrible language to use because no parent is perfect. Right? And our parents bring their own brokenness in from the way that they were parented. Oh my goodness. Just think generationally how so many of the issues we struggle with have been issues in our families for generation after generation after generation. Right? That's why when I talk about body image idolatry, I like to talk about it as potentially the religion of your family. Like, some of you were raised in Christian homes, and yet body image, image in general, appearances were super important. So you were almost raised with 2 religions simultaneously happening.

[00:04:52]:

You were supposed to be a Christian family, and yet you had this religion of appearance and image that was there too. And this can be carried on for generations. So there's a good chance that your mom may have parented you out of things she learned from idolatry, this religion of appearance image that was passed on to her. Right? So hear me loud and clear when I say our goal today is to name things, but not for the sake of blaming anyone. Do you hear the difference? When we name something, it helps us identify it for ourselves. So quite frankly, we can feel a little less crazy. Right? So we can be like, oh, that's what that is. Okay.

[00:05:47]:

Things make sense now. But it's never ever ever for the point of being like, oh, that's what that is. It's all mom's fault. Mom, you did this to me. Mom, you know, I hate you for this. Mom, you're stuck because of you. No. No.

[00:06:03]:

No. No. Friend, I mean, I do have some teenage listeners, but by and large, you're an adult now. And your story is an important part of understanding who you are and maybe why you're at the point you're at, but you don't have to stay stuck in it. And blaming mom just keeps you stuck in it. So hopefully, you're clear about our goal today. Our goal today is understanding so that we can name what has happened to us. Now it's not work on your mom.

[00:06:38]:

Okay. Your mom might have some stuff she has to get together. Right? But that's up to her. That's not up to you. Your job is to process, feel, understand for yourself, not for her. So let me just start off by throwing at you a bunch of research. I'm happy to give you the links to these studies if you're interested in that, But there are a plethora of studies out there that prove that mom has the biggest impact on our body image issues, the way we think about, see, feel about our bodies. And you might be surprised to learn that the trajectory is set not during your teenage years, not when you're in junior high school, but wait for it, during your preschool years.

[00:07:39]:

So how mom interacted with you around your body and around her body? Was mom dieting? Was mom fasting? Was mom exercising like crazy? Was mom complaining about her body and how it looked when you were 4, 5 years old? That's where the damage was done. And, actually, let me even go beyond that. Next time, we're gonna talk about attachment theory and kind of the important role that it has in understanding our body image issues. And according to attachment theory, a lot of the ways we learn to attune to other people, the ways we learned to regulate our own emotions, all of that happened during our first year of life. Yikes. So, for most of us, we don't remember our 1st year of life, for sure, but we definitely don't remember our preschool years. So, it's hard to go back and say, oh, yeah. That's what mom was doing when I was 4 or 5.

[00:08:51]:

It's hard to even remember the times that had the biggest impression on your body image issues. Did you know that 5 year olds, according they've they've studied all these research studies with 5 year old girls, they have a great understanding of dieting and how it leads to thinness and how that's a good thing. At 5 years old, they already know this. And some of it, of course, is from mom, and some of it's just from the culture. Right? All the other moms around you, even if you've tried to not be that mom, the women in your circle or your kids' friends might be sharing this message. Right? And so, again, we're not thinking about this as parents, but thinking about this as a child. Who knows what you were exposed to at 5 years old? Here's another interesting data point. The amount of food a mom eats predicts the amount of food her daughter will eat.

[00:10:06]:

Just leave that one right there. Similarly, a daughter is more likely to become a a dieter and have a negative body image if her mom was a dieter and had had a negative body image. Right? So in some ways, for some of you, you're like, absolutely. Heather, that's my story. Mom was always on a plan. She took me to Weight Watchers with her when I was in middle school. Like, I know where it came from. And then for others of you, you may be like, there's a disconnect here.

[00:10:42]:

I don't think my mom was ever on a diet. And, again, you have to go back to the preschool years, which could be tricky to investigate unless you ask her straight up. But you may be feeling like, I don't think my mom had these issues. So how do I have these issues? Well, it's more complicated than that. And that's where we're gonna go right after this commercial break. We're gonna talk about some of the ways that we've learned to relate to mom that may put us in a never feel good enough trap. And so even if body image wasn't the linchpin in your family, there may have been other ways that you related to mom that made you never feel good enough that you have applied to your body image. This is one of those areas you could improve to be more acceptable.

[00:11:23]:

That's where we're going. I'll be right back. So the summer I discovered this book called The Good Daughter Syndrome. I I'm not gonna necessarily recommend the entire book because I feel like she's a little new agey at the end. It's definitely not a Christian book, but she is a psychotherapist, artist, and writer. Her name is Catherine Fabrizio. The book is called The Good Daughter Syndrome. And the subhead here might really catch your attention.

[00:11:54]:

It's help for empathetic daughters of narcissistic borderline or difficult mothers trapped in the role of good daughter. And that's the line that caught me because so many of the women I work with, and I know this is part of my story as well, have such a complicated relationship with their mom. And one thing that they're deeply afraid of is being disloyal to mom or not keeping mom happy or disappointing mom. We'll do an exercise sometimes where I'll walk a client through, like, what would it be like to have your greatest fear around your body come true? And for many of them, it's, you know, gaining an enormous amount of weight. What would that be like? And they say people will be disappointed with me. And I always ask, who will be disappointed with you? And it's kinda like people, everyone. And as we boil it down more and more and more, it's normally mom. It's mom will be disappointed with me.

[00:13:01]:

Mom would be upset with me. And a lot of times, we can kind of rationally, like, reason our way through it. Right? Like, well, okay. Is that really true? Like, is mom gonna stop talking to you? Is mom not gonna love you anymore? Is mom not gonna speak to you anymore? Is she gonna separate herself from you? And in some very rare cases, that is actually, you know, a a real fear for the client. But for most of my clients, they can say reasonably, well, no. She would still love me. She would still care for me. Like, she would still talk to me.

[00:13:37]:

But just the fact that they know mom wouldn't be pleased about the way their body looks, just that fact alone is enough to make them feel as if their body changing would separate them from mom in a severe way. Even though, again, rationally, they know mom was still talk to him. Mom was still love them deep down, but they would just feel as if they disappointed mom on such a deep level that the thought of that is really scary. And now, friend, I've been in counseling for a very long time. I think we've been in and out of counseling for 15 years now. And I'll be honest, it's just the last year or so that I've started to learn more about attachment theory. And like I said, next time, we're gonna get into that more. But there's a fantastic podcast called The Place We Find Ourselves.

[00:14:34]:

A big shout out to Tara on the team because she's a listener to this podcast, and she shared it with me. And, whoo, there's some good stuff there. So we'll talk about that more next time too. But the host of this podcast, Adam, shares this quote, and I wish I knew whose quote it was. But he says, we're born looking for someone who is looking for us. Right? So that kinda meets, like, that deep need of we just wanna be seen. We wanna be known. We wanna be understood.

[00:15:08]:

Right? We wanna be attached to someone. We want someone to be looking for us, and we want someone to see us and understand us and accept us. And, friend, from the moment you were born, the person you desire that from was mom. Right? I mean, unless mom wasn't your primary caretaker, you know, if you had a different situation at your birth, maybe went immediately to dad or immediately to another caretaker, then then that could be different. But for most of us, it was mom. And so mom's opinion, mom's smile, mom's pleasure, mom's acceptance, right, those things have been super important to all of us since the minute we were born. Now, glom onto that, this reality that none of us had perfect moms and none of us are perfect moms. Right? And then you've gotta factor in that mom had her own history of trauma and her own history of experiences and beliefs and maybe some mental health issues, like she talks about in this the good daughter syndrome book.

[00:16:21]:

Right? But but moms are on a spectrum of of health to unhealth. Right? And at some point, right, all of our moms struggled with something, even if it was just as simple as wanting to keep up with the Joneses or be accepted in the by the people at church. I mean, it could be simple issues. It could be more complex issues. But for each of us as daughters, we needed mom's attention, and we needed mom to affirm that we were okay and that our bodies are okay. And for many of us, that just didn't happen. So I'm gonna read to you just a little bit from Catherine Fabrizio's book here. She's talking about how disordered mothers mother.

[00:17:10]:

This is from chapter 3 of the book. And she talks about how mom establishes herself and her own needs as primary, which makes it more and more difficult for her daughter to find her voice and to claim life for herself. And then she walks through the disordered ways that mom kind of thwarts her daughter's quest for independence. And she talks about an infancy, the mom establishes herself as primary and has a hard time letting anyone else be important to her daughter. And then toddler preschool years, her daughter starts to exert some independence, and mom shows her displeasure, And mom resorts to punishment and shame, shaming behaviors that she considers rebellious, and mom is trying to stay in control. And her daughter feels shame for acting autonomously. And and Catherine says this shame may stay with her for a lifetime. She may have trouble asserting herself and pursuing her dreams because of the shame she felt in the toddler and preschool years.

[00:18:09]:

School age years, when daughter enters daycare preschool, mom sends mixed messages. On one hand, she expects the daughter to perform admirably at school, but at the same time, she signals to her daughter that she isn't safe with anyone but mom. The mixed signal frequently results in separation anxiety as her daughter tries to obey conflicting mandates. Preteen years, mom closely monitors her daughter's interactions, inserts herself into her daughter's relationships, and is quick to find fault with her daughter's friends. She weighs in, evaluates, passes judgment, and frequently forbids her daughter to remain friends with anyone she doesn't like. As a result, her daughter has trouble trusting her judgment and friends and eventually in lovers. Teenage years was usually a tense time between mothers and daughters can escalate escalate into a full blown Armageddon when mom has a personality disorder. When her daughter begins to date, mom experiences dating and any hint of a burgeoning sexuality as a threat.

[00:19:14]:

Her daughter may resort to circumventing mom's control, sneaking behind her back. She may act out, engage in risky behavior. She may carry mixed feelings about her sexuality into adulthood. Marriage. When the daughter marries, mom's needs, tastes, and preferences often dictate the wedding plans. Mom's opinions usually prevail. By inserting herself into the wedding rituals, mom sets a precedent for the future. Of course, 3 people in a marriage is way too many.

[00:19:41]:

This dynamic can handicap the couple's union from the beginning, so much so that the marriage may never recover. And then daughter's first child, Mom's first grandchild is a significant event in her life, and she works hard to establish her importance as a doting, adoring grandmother. She gives unsolicited advice and frequently demands that her daughter include her in important family decisions. In doing so, she acts as a partner to her daughter. As a result, this dynamic can marginalize the child's dad. Oh, friend. I don't know how much of that you related to, but I wonder if, perhaps, if you did relate to some of it, if this is the first time that you've ever thought, that might not be healthy. That might not be the way it was supposed to be.

[00:20:30]:

That might not be what was best for me. And that's a really difficult thought to have because you love your mom, and you wanna believe that she did the best she could for you. I know I'm in the same boat, but here's what you need to realize. One of the themes through that little list of mom's involvement growing up, if you will, is that mom was in control. That you being an independent adult with agency, and we did 2 episodes on agency a couple weeks ago. Go listen to those if you haven't. But you having agency as a threat to mom's role in front of that's your scenario. That's a problem, assuming you're an adult.

[00:21:18]:

Especially if you're a married adult, oh goodness, mom should not be in the mix, right? You have a husband now, and that becomes a complicated thing. But you need to find your own identity, boundaries, agency, apart from mom, in order to heal your body image issues. Because otherwise, I think the word they used is enmeshed. If you are enmeshed in mom and mom still has all of these body image issues and you are enmeshed in her, there is no way for you to get free, friend, without disconnecting from her. And, again, that doesn't mean you don't love mom well. But I remember when I was in counseling, and this was a long time ago, but the counselor, was encouraging me to make some changes around some boundaries I had in place in my own family of origin. And I felt like it was just mean. I felt like what he was asking me to do was unloving.

[00:22:26]:

It felt just really harsh. And he used the illustration for me of when Jesus was in his hometown. This is part of the it was in The Chosen. So if you watch The Chosen, maybe you have even seen this played out recently, if you haven't read this passage in, the gospels recently. But when Jesus was in his own town in his hometown, right, what happened? His family decided that he was crazy. Right? It wasn't really cool to them that he was calling himself the son of God, and they decided that they would kill him. And he had to flee his hometown in order to be safe. He fled from his family because his family was trying to hurt him.

[00:23:11]:

Now, if Jesus had to flee from his family in these circumstances, friend, is it okay for you to have boundaries when a family member may be hurting you? It it is. It is. And some of you are like, this is a late conversation because Thanksgiving is, like, in a couple days, and I've gotta see everyone. And and, friend, let me give you hope and encouragement for that. Right? You can have boundaries over your heart and over your relationships, even if you do have to be in the same place as someone who may be causing you frustration and harm. And we can talk a little bit more how to do that in just a minute. But what I want you to understand most here is that this is not up to mom to change her behavior. So this is not up to mom to stop making negative comments about her body.

[00:24:00]:

This is not up to mom to stop dieting. This is not up to mom to change the way she relates to food. Right? This is up to you. But remember our goal for today, our goal is not to blame. Our goal is to name. So let me just give you a couple other things that, Catherine Fabrizio talks about. She talks about some other ways that mom may not be playing fair. And this is from chapter 3 again from the same book.

[00:24:27]:

She says, mom's mood runs the show. If your family of origin live by the mantra, if mama ain't happy and nobody happy, and mom has to be okay, you learn as a child how to relate, and I'm gonna say like shape shift to that. You know, that if mom says, I'm fine with pursed lips and arms crossed over her chest, she isn't fine. Or maybe slam doors, banging pots and pans, or your family's cue that not all is well. What did you do as a daughter if or when that happened in your home? Did you go into people pleaser mode? Did you, like, try to behave better and be a good girl so that mom would no longer be angry or upset? So you weren't contributing to her problem or maybe even you believe that you were her problem? Did this set you up, my friend, for a lifetime of people pleasing? Here's another one. Mom weaponizes your vulnerabilities. No one knows your tender spots quite like mom. She saw it all unfold.

[00:25:37]:

I'm reading directly from the book. I'll unfold as you grew up and has a catalog of your less than optimal moments, which you may have added to by confiding in her. This vulnerability isn't a problem with a healthy empathetic mother who regards these tender spots as off the table when you clash. But a difficult mother uses her knowledge of your vulnerabilities as a weapon. She tells embarrassing stories when she needs some ammunition or brings up your weaknesses while passing them off as nothing but a, I'm just kidding. Can't you take a joke? You feel exposed by the person who has used her position to mock you rather than to protect you. Here's another one. Mom gives you the silent treatment.

[00:26:16]:

This is her way of withholding engagement and it's cruel at any age, but it's especially damaging when it's used on a vulnerable dependent kid. Kids and parent kids experience unbearable levels of anxiety if a parent fuse refuses to talk to them, and it keeps them in the dark about what they've done wrong. The silent treatment can be more abusive than berating the child because the child has no way of knowing what they did to merit mom's silence. No way to repair the damage and no clue as to how long her banishment will last. The bottom line remaining physically present while ignoring a child is a mixed message that terrifies a child and is an egregious use of parental power. Here's one more. Mom disguises hostility as help. Quote, unquote, only your mother will tell you.

[00:27:06]:

Mom uses this line to cover her hostile remarks, insisting that she's doing you a favor by tearing you down or, as she sees it, setting you straight. If your mother is generally supportive and a hurtful comment is more the exception than the rule, she may have earned the right to tell you a hard truth. However, if 9 times out of 10 she uses the line to cover for a hostile comment, then I call foul. Oh, this one made me think about all of my clients I've worked with over the years who told me that their mom, you know, told them they're gaining weight, or they look fat, or they look bad in their clothes, or they need to do something about their bodies. Right? And then it's quickly followed by, you need your mom to tell you this, because who else is gonna tell you this? Is this your mom helping you? And as Katherine points out, okay. Maybe if that's, like, one time out of 10, maybe that's okay. But if mom is completely insensitive to you in that or that's more the frequent tone of the way she relates to you, it's hard. You're gonna need some agency.

[00:28:12]:

You're gonna need some separation. You're gonna need some boundaries. Just one more from this list. Mom turns the tables. Mom says something like, you are just too sensitive. Mom makes you the problem, blaming you for your reaction instead of working to understand what hurt you and adjusting her behavior. And that's an interesting one too. Right? I don't know if you've been in this situation before, but where you feel hurt and you go and you say, you know, mom, I'm really upset about this, that, or the other thing, and it's something related to something mom has done or said.

[00:28:47]:

And at the end of the conversation, you're the one that feels bad. You're the one that's crying and apologizing even though the start of the conversation were you saying, hey, mom. You hurt me in this way. She turns the tables, and by the end of the conversation, you're like, I'm so sorry I've made you feel this way, mom. I'm so sorry that, you know, I implied that you hurt me, and it just completely gets all turned upside down on you, and you don't know where your feet are. Friend, these relationships with their moms are super complicated and can be super frustrating and super hurtful. And we're not gonna solve anything by reading a book or listening to a podcast. Right? These are hurts and wounds that we have to invite Jesus into to help us.

[00:29:33]:

But let me just kind of encourage you with a couple of things here. Thing 1, right, they can be healed. You're not too far gone. Even if you're 70 and you still have this relationship with your 90 year old mother friend, it's not too late. Because, again, this isn't about trying to get mom to change. This is about you changing, really, the way you understand the story of your life. And for so many of us, like, that's a scary thing. I don't know if you're like this, but I know a lot of people, like, can't remember their childhood.

[00:30:12]:

There might be a reason for that. There might be a reason why your childhood memories are fuzzy. You may have been in a fight or flight state for most of childhood even if you were never abused in a, you know, way that's commonly talked about, even if you felt like you had 2 Christian parents that did their best, there are still ways that we come out hurt and scarred, and these things affect the way we see and feel about our body. They affect the way we see, feel, and relate to other people. They affect all of our relationships. And so, friend, let me encourage you. I know it's hard to dig into this stuff when you're about to see family. It's like, wouldn't it be better, Heather, if we talked about this when I know I'm not gonna see anyone for 6 months? Yes.

[00:31:06]:

I hear you and I understand you. But here's my assignment for you with the holidays coming up. I just want you to observe. Just take a step back and maybe see things that you've never seen before. Maybe notice how frequently mom makes a negative comment about her own body or about someone else's. Maybe notice how mom relates to food or things she says about food or maybe the way she speaks to other people about their bodies, maybe even the way she speaks to you about your body. And, friend, I'm gonna pray protection over you as you go into that scenario. Right? Pray that God will guard your heart from any of the cruel darts that may be headed your way from those comments, even if they're not directly pointed at you.

[00:32:01]:

Sometimes those comments can be pointed across from you and still, like, expected to deflect off and hit you. You're still supposed to get something out of mom's subliminal messages that your body needs to change. Right? Like, we all know the ways that those games are played, but here's my encouragement. Be in the word, put on the full armor of God. Pray. Ask the Lord to be with you in those scenarios. Picture Jesus with you, standing beside you as you go into your parents' house or as your parents enter your home for Thanksgiving meal. Right? Picture Jesus right there with you because theologically, friend, he is right there with you.

[00:32:45]:

Right? And if those darts come at you, picture Jesus kinda stepping right in front of you like Superman to deflect those fiery darts so they cannot penetrate your heart this year. If you feel like you need to respond as things are said, I mean, think twice about that because it may not be the most helpful thing. I mean, unless you're really far along in this journey, it's probably not most it's probably not the most helpful thing to engage unless you've been on this journey for years years years, and you feel really equipped to do so. But, friend, all you can say, if someone says something negative about your body, just say, ouch. Chances are they'll follow it up with some like, well, you just need me to tell you, or I just want you to know the truth, or, you know, they'll follow it up with some justification, but you just leave it there. Like, what would happen if you said to your mom, mom, that hurts. I'm on a journey. Like, a healthy mom should be able to respond to that with love and understanding.

[00:33:44]:

Like, I know you're on a journey. Okay. You know? Well, I just I I'm worried about you, but, you know, you can be on your journey. And they should give you the freedom, the autonomy, the agency to do that. If your mom is unwilling to do that, friend, that shows you something too. And, again, don't engage. You don't have to have a battle. Mom, you took away my agency.

[00:34:05]:

You did this to me. No. No. No. No. No. Not no. We're not doing that.

[00:34:07]:

Right? But you can walk away with more understanding, naming what has probably happened for you for most of your life. Seeing how perhaps your agency, your independence was stripped away from you for most of your life. And this can be a pivotal point for you, my friend, as you turn and say, okay. Now I see it. I'm naming it. And now I know I've got some work to do. It's time for me to grow up. It's time for me to not be so dependent on mom's opinion of me, mom's approval of me, or I'm pleasing mom.

[00:34:53]:

And in working through that hard mess, and it's so hard, Fran, that's why I don't want you to do this alone. It's impossible to do it alone. It really is. But in working through that mess, then you can come to a place where you can say, okay, this is who I am. This is my body. This is what I believe. This is how I wanna interact and relate to my body. You can find your agency and begin to develop a healthy and whole sense of self, which chances are, friend, you've never had, but to develop a whole sense of self where you can kind of reconnect your body to who you are on the inside, right? Spirit, mind, emotions, right? Those things were never supposed to be disconnected, but somehow, because of our hurts, we've objectified our bodies and separated things, right? But you can start to bring it all together, realize who you are, who you were made to be, what your identity is in Christ, and start on a new path.

[00:35:59]:

So next time, we're gonna talk more about this attachment theory, which is so vital to understand, and it's so connected to body image issues. It's crazy, the data out there around this. But for today, friend, like, I'm gonna pray for us because this is tough stuff, and I just don't wanna leave you hanging on it. And, again, if you want coaching on this, you can go find a great Christian counselor. There's lots of great resources out there. I'm happy to coach you through this to whatever degree I can. At some point, you may need to go find a licensed counselor, but we can start the conversation so you can know which direction to head. I'm here for you for that.

[00:36:39]:

Let me pray for you. Dear heavenly father, I just thank you so much for my friend who's listening today who's maybe feeling uncomfortable. She's feeling awkward and hurt and uncertainty and things surrounding her relationship with mom that she'd rather not feel. It just seems so much easier just to keep making mom happy and move forward, not upset the status quo and just ignore it, say, la, la, la, and move forward. But, lord, you made her on purpose for a purpose. She is to please you and not to please man, even if man is mom. You are to be her god. Mom is not to be her god.

[00:37:27]:

You are to be her ruler. Mom is not to be her ruler. And these relationships are so messy and so challenging, and it feels it feels so dangerous to engage in them. But, God, will you show my friend that she's safe because of you, that she's safe in your arms, and she's safe to be who you made her to be no matter what mom's opinion, response, or reaction. God, I pray that your loving arms would surround my friend, especially if she's going into a holiday season where she's gonna be interacting with mom and other relatives who may make her feel bad about her body or the way she's eating or not eating. Oh, God. Envelop her in your love, so she feels, just an outpouring of your love and your grace washing over her. Be her armor this holiday season.

[00:38:23]:

Also, be her arms of comfort, so she knows and feels that love, so she feels safe. It's in Jesus' name I pray. Amen. Okay, friend. Heavy stuff for today, but I'm glad you were here. If you wanna go deeper, let's talk or join the 40 day journey. Go to improve body image.com, and you can find out more about how to do that. I hope something today has helped you stop comparing and start living.

[00:38:48]:

Bye bye. The comparative show is proud to be part of the Life Audio podcast network. For more great Christian podcasts, go to life audio dot com.