What Was Mom's Impact on Your Body Image Issues? Part 2/2 [Podcast Transcript]

Title: What Was Mom's Impact on Your Body Image Issues? Part 2/2

Podcast Date: November 22, 2024

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Description

Host Heather Creekmore delves deeper into the complex topic of how our relationships with our mothers can impact our body image and behaviors around food. Building on the discussion from part 1, Heather addresses the often-unspoken dynamics that influence our identity, self-confidence, and healing journey.

Heather emphasizes that the point of examining mom's role in body image issues is never to blame mom, but rather to help listeners better understand their own stories and why they've believed, thought, or felt the way they did around body issues. Heather also addresses how healing from body image issues might affect your relationship with your mother and the potential grief that comes from such changes because you no longer have your body image issues and food rules in common. 

Heather also offers practical guidance for dealing with emotional triggers, especially when returning to childhood homes or spending time in family environments that can evoke past patterns. Heather also highlights the importance of recognizing our "little girl brain" – our young, survival-driven responses to familial interactions – and offers ways to stay present with ourselves and handle these emotional cyclones.

For further exploration of related topics, check out the episode on grieving the loss of an ideal body Grieving the Ideal Body and listen as Heather prepares to delve into attachment theory in the next episode (coming December 3).

This episode challenges listeners not to fear the acknowledgment of their mom's role but to instead lamentat these past struggles and embrace them as paths to healing and transformation.

Ready to find body image healing? Join us on the 40 Day Journey that begins January 7, 2025. Learn more or reserve your spot here: https://www.improvebodyimage.com/40-day-challenge

Grab Heather's latest book, The Comparison-Free Life learn more here: 

Transcript

Disclaimer: This transcript is AI-generated and has not been edited for accuracy or clarity.

[00:00:02]:

Life audio. Hey, friends, Heather Creekmore here. Have you read the comparison free life yet? It's my brand new redone book. I can't say it's really brand new, But it was my book on comparison previously titled The Burden of Better, but it's got a new title, a new look. And from this is really a book about how grace cures comparison. And if that just sounds completely, like, bogus, Christianese, like, just un understandable talk to you, then just go grab the book because I spend the first part of the book telling you why comparison is a problem. You probably already know why comparison is a problem, but we look into the data.

[00:00:45]:

And then we get into the Bible's cure for comparison. And, friend, it's so much more than just stop comparing. Right? That's over overly simplistic. You know to stop comparing. So I'm not gonna ignore your heart in this, but we're gonna dig into how scripture and how the truth of the gospel can really help you stop comparing. So go grab one for yourself, grab one for a friend. There's questions in each chapter. You can read it together and discuss it.

[00:01:13]:

And, friend, I want you to be free from comparison. So let's get on that. It's like makes a great Christmas gift. Grab grab it on Amazon or really any place Christian books are sold. Hey. Today, we are continuing our conversation about the role mom had in your body image issues, and this is tough stuff, friend. Like, it's tough for me. Oh, I have dreaded well, dreaded I've wanted to do these episodes, and then I've not wanted to do these episodes.

[00:01:39]:

So all the feelings, all the emotions, but I wanna put this information out there for you because I talk to clients every single week and this comes up every single week. So there is a 100% chance that something we're talking about here is going to connect to what you are going through as you try to understand and heal from your own body image and comparison issues. So So, friend, that's why I'm putting this information out there today. I would encourage you, connect with someone. You cannot heal shame without community. You cannot heal from body image issues without connecting to others around this. So grab a friend and talk about this. Both of you listen to the episode and see what you think or connect with us.

[00:02:28]:

Go on the 40 day journey with us this January or reach out for individual coaching. We want to support you and help you on your body image journey. Hey. I'm glad you're here. I promised you last time we get into attachment today, but we're not ready for that yet because there's a few things I didn't get to in the last episode pertaining to the way you can and may relate to mom this holiday season and beyond. And I wanna cover that first, and then we'll do attachment next time. So I'm glad you're here for it. Today, we're talking about maybe why you restrict or overeat after seeing mom or over shop.

[00:03:10]:

We're gonna talk about that, and then we're also gonna talk about what happens when you find some body image or food healing and mom doesn't, how that affects your relationship. So let's get right to it. I'm glad you're here. Welcome to Compare to Him, the podcast to help you make peace with your body so you can savor God's rest and feel his love. If you're tired of fighting body image the world's way, Compare To Who is the show for you. You've likely heard lots of talk about loving your body, but my goal is different. Striving to fall in love with stretch marks and cellulite is a little silly to me. Instead, I want to encourage you and remind you with the truth of scripture that you are seen, you are known, and you are loved no matter what your size or shape.

[00:03:54]:

Here, the pressure is off. If you're looking for real talk, biblical encouragement, and regular reminders that God loves you and you're not alone, you've come to the right place. I hope you enjoy today's show, and, hey, tell a friend about it. So last time we talked about the fact that we are talking about this mom stuff not so we can blame mom, not so that you can barrage mom at Thanksgiving. You did this. You did this. You did this. But rather just so we can name what happened to us so we can make sense of our own stories and so that we can find healing through Jesus for our stories.

[00:04:35]:

Right? And so what your natural tendency to do, maybe, if you're human, is you're gonna hear some of these things, you're gonna react. Right? You're gonna hear it, and you're gonna be like, that makes me so mad. I'm so frustrated that that happened to me. I'm so angry. Let me encourage you to feel those feelings. Right? And then grieve. Now, grief is something I've talked about in the show related to our body image issues. Right? We have to grieve the loss of our ideal body.

[00:05:10]:

And that's an episode that I did several seasons ago. I'll link to in the show notes. But I think when it relates to our relationship with our parents, and especially here as we're talking about mom, there may be some grieving that has to take place. Because, like, when we get into attachment next time, right, you may have to grieve the fact that you were never securely attached to mom. But, likewise, you may also have to just grieve the fact that a lot of moms' beliefs and practices around food and body had a huge impact on you. And maybe depending on how old you are, maybe it's had a huge impact on your life for 20, 30, 40, 50 years. And maybe today, as you hear this, you're just sad that you've lived your whole life trying to change your body and maybe miss out on some things because of it, because you're so focused on, I can't do that until my body gets better. I can't do that until I lose x number of pounds.

[00:06:11]:

I can't do that. Maybe you're so focused on body and food stuff that you've missed some of what was going on in your life. And now you see it came from mom, and you want to react. You want to be angry. You want to point a finger and, you know, be mad that someone stole this from you. But, friend, let me encourage you, a better response is grief. Now, grief does have an anger component to it, right? You can be angry, you can be depressed, you can, you know, be in a bargaining state where you're like, oh, if only mom hadn't, then I would have, right? But I love the book of Lamentations in scripture, right? God gives us the opportunity to lament. And I talk about this in the comparison to free life too, Right? It's not an appropriate response as a Jesus follower to say, God, you got it wrong.

[00:07:11]:

God, you messed it up. God, you gave me the wrong mom. God, you messed up my life. Right? That's not an appropriate response. But we can say, god, I'm so sad that these hard things happened to me. I'm so sad that I've believed this. I'm so sad that I've lived like this. And that's grief.

[00:07:31]:

And so, friend, don't be afraid of grief. Grief is your friend. Grief is so strange, though. Like, I was talking to my husband about this the other day. Like, it's just odd because we live in a culture where it's, like, there's a solution for everything, and the solution is normally doing something. Right? Like, if I just go do x y z, then it will be fixed. But when it comes to these, like, deep emotional hurts, healing doesn't come through do x y z. Healing comes through feel x y z.

[00:08:08]:

And it's so odd to me that God created us like that. God created us to heal through what we feel. And, Fran, if you have an eating disorder background or body image issues, there's a good chance you don't like to feel. Okay? Like, you wanna fix, not feel. And I get you. I feel you. I'm right there with you. But feeling is our path to healing.

[00:08:36]:

And so don't be afraid to feel. And if you have no idea where to start with feeling, it's okay. Start with anger. Start with just that frustration. Get it out. You know, when I was in counseling, I think I may have shared this on the show before, but I was the smileiest person you ever did meet. And the counselor was like, why are you so angry? And I was like, I'm not angry. And it really I went through a process of feeling my anger.

[00:09:05]:

I had never been someone to swear. Like, that just was not allowed in my family of origin, and it's not something I picked up later even though I worked in politics where there was enough cursing around me to sink a ship. I don't know what the expression is. That's not really a good expression. But you know what I'm saying? There's just a lot of cursing in politics, and and this was even, you know, 20, 30 years ago. Right now, cursing is just so much more commonplace. But I had never really been someone to swear. And all of a sudden, like, every once in a while, I found myself swearing.

[00:09:38]:

And I'm not proud of that, But it was this anger that had been stuffed deep down inside me that was just coming out all of a sudden, and it was uncomfortable at first, but it needed to happen. And so let me encourage you, if that's part of your journey, it's okay. So we're gonna take a quick commercial break, and we're gonna come back with 2 important things for you that were kinda leftovers from our last, episode. Things just to be aware of this holiday season, if you're going to be around mom or whenever you're around mom again, really. It doesn't have to just be around the holidays, and how this relates to your body image issues. We'll be right back. So thing 1 is, I want you to recognize that as you begin to heal your body image and food issues, this may further separate you from mom. And that may be a sign to you, again, something to name and not something to blame, but this may be a sign to you that there was some level of unhealth in your relationship, that perhaps you 2 weren't relating to each other as healthy and whole individuals who are finding their identity in Christ and instead had some other things going on there.

[00:10:48]:

And, again, I'm not a psychologist or a licensed counselor, So this is layman's terms for these things. Right? But studies show that you can lose closeness with your mom, girls lose closeness with their mom, when they no longer share the same body image or food issues. And so there can be some fear for you, friend. Like, isn't this strange? But you could be afraid to get free from your eating disorder or from your body issues, because you know you will not have as much in common with mom anymore. And it may feel risky to be healed because mom may not connect with you in the same way. She may not accept you in the same way. This might be the thing that you had together, always talking about diets, always going on another plan, always talking about how much weight you lost. This might be the thing you had most in common in an adult relationship, And you're threatening that.

[00:11:47]:

You're jeopardizing that by finding body image freedom. I just want you to be aware of it. Again, I don't think this is something you say to mom. Hey, mom. I found body image freedom, and now we don't have anything in common anymore. Right? I don't think you do that. But this is gonna be hard. And, again, this may be something you have to grieve because it's gonna feel like loss.

[00:12:12]:

If mom doesn't wanna talk to you anymore because you don't have anything to say when she talks about the new plan she's following or, you know, if she complains about how her body looks all the time or always griping about, like, not getting to the gym enough and you don't have the same things to say, you are not relating to her in the same way anymore, and that hurts your relationship, you're gonna feel sad. You're gonna feel loss. But then, friend, you have to kind of take a step back. Right? What is that anyway? What is that kind of relationship? Is that healthy? Is that the kind of relationships we're supposed to have? Is that what it means to exhort each other in Jesus? Is that how we encourage each other as sisters in Christ? Is that how we live on purpose for a purpose? Is that kingdom living? Is that, you know, gospel focused living? Is that loving God and loving others? Like, what is that? If that's the biggest part of your relationship. And friend, you can't be afraid to leave that behind and walk forward in what God has for you. Don't stay stuck there just because you're afraid of the lost relationship even though I know it's gonna feel so hard and it's gonna feel sad. And I pray mom will come along with you. I pray you can encourage mom.

[00:13:34]:

I don't know. Just have mom read my book compared to who, or have mom go on the 40 day journey with us and read the 40 day, body image workbook. Right? You can encourage mom in those ways to see her own issues, to name her own issues, but you may not be able to bring her along. She may just not wanna go on this journey. She may not wanna see the things that you are seeing. She may not want to name the things. In fact, if your grandmother's still alive, it may still feel too risky for her that she would jeopardize her relationship. This is how generational it is.

[00:14:13]:

Remember we talked about that last time? She would jeopardize her relationship with her mom if she couldn't connect with her mom on these things. Oh, friend. This is deep stuff, but I want you to be aware of it. The other thing I want you to be aware of around the holidays, especially, is if you see mom or around mom, if some of these issues get even I'm gonna say, like, subtly triggered, although I don't even know if that's a thing, and triggered is so overused. Right? But just even going in to Thanksgiving so I remember, I probably shared this on the show before, maybe too, but my husband and I were he was my fiance at the time. We just got engaged. And we were going to my family's home for the first time. So I think he had met my parents before.

[00:15:02]:

I know he had, but he had never been to my childhood home, which my parents still lived in. And it was about an hour and 15 minute drive, and I must have checked my makeup and my hair, I don't know how many times, so they just kept doing it. And finally, he was like, what is your deal? Like, you don't primp that much before we go out. Like, why are you so overly focused on what you look like? You're going home to see your family. Like, haven't they seen you without makeup before? Like, those sorts of things. And I don't know that I had a good answer for him at the time. I mean, this was way before I would ever did any counseling or anything. But for some reason, that conversation between us, like, really stuck with me.

[00:15:45]:

And, now, I understand that, like, it was more important for me to have my mom's approval of my physical appearance than it was for me to even have my fiance's approval of my physical appearance. Right? And I talk to women all the time, and it's so fascinating because you might assume that they wanted to look better or want to have a good body or a better body or a better look, whatever, for their husband. And, often, it's not the husband at all. The husband's like, I think you look great. I love you. I'm not upset with your body. And they're like, I'm still stuck. Like, it doesn't matter what my husband thinks.

[00:16:27]:

And then they often are like, well, it's just me. It's what I think of me. And sometimes that might be a little bit true, but most of the time as we start to dig, it's like, no, this is about mom. This is what mom thinks of you. And here's a secret friends, it doesn't end when mom dies. You're not free when she passes because her voice, her thoughts, her influence is so much in there that you're still trying to please her even though she's no longer breathing in on this earth. And that's a challenge, friend. Like, that's something you gotta work on.

[00:17:09]:

Right? But as you're around mom this holiday season, I want you to be aware that these feelings may stir. And as they stir, you may be tempted to go one of 2 ways on the food side of things. You may be tempted to start restricting again. Even if you've been free from your eating disorder for a long time, you might all of a sudden feel this overwhelming compulsion to start restricting, or you might start overeating. You might wanna eat everything in sight. You might feel like, hey. I healed my relationship with food. I've been pretty comfortable around food.

[00:17:41]:

Like, I've been just eating when I was hungry and eating to fullness. I've been doing good. And then all of a sudden, I'm with my family and boom, all bets are off. I ate all the cookies and all the pie and all the things. Right? Friend, there is so much grace for that. I just want you to know that's normal. There's nothing wrong with you. That's normal.

[00:18:02]:

And if you wanna help it, see it. If you wanna help it, name it. Say, oh, this is what's happening. My emotions are crazy right now. I am completely dysregulated. This interaction has sent me into fight or flight mode. I don't know what to do. I can't make heads or tail of what's going on.

[00:18:27]:

What I'm feeling inside is like this cyclone of emotions, and feel them to whatever degree you can. Start to feel some of the emotions, feel sad, feel anger, feel hurt, feel frustration. Right? Feel those emotions. And that is what's gonna help more than just shaming yourself. Oh, I can't believe I'm eating all the things. Oh, I can't believe I'm restricting again. Oh, I feel so bad. Oh, I feel so guilty.

[00:18:53]:

Oh, I shouldn't be doing this. Oh, I'm such a lousy person. Oh, I can't believe I'm no, no, no. Don't do that. Instead, give yourself grace. You're walking through something hard. Again, tell the shame to hit the road, no shame, and feel the emotions so that you can better attune to yourself, connect to yourself, to your body. Don't separate from your body, connect to your body.

[00:19:19]:

Feel the emotions. And that's gonna help you as you relate to food when you want to, you know, go to one of the extremes. The other extreme, maybe you won't do this with food. Maybe you'll do it with shopping. I do that. I fill up shopping carts in various stores. Fortunately, I don't check out, but maybe shopping is your vice. Or maybe you are tempted and when emotions and family stuff gets, maybe you're tempted to go to drugs or overdo it with alcohol or other risky behaviors.

[00:19:58]:

Friend, I just want you to be aware of what is behind that emotional cyclone And start to feel it, name it, see it, and pray and ask the Lord to help you feel those feelings, to ask him to sit with you as you feel those feelings so you're not alone in it, and feel them. Don't mask them through these numbing behaviors. Just feel them. One final thing to understand here, and it's kind of maybe the why behind why it's so hard to feel these things and to be present with yourself after engaging family around the holidays or whatever, is there's a good chance if your relationship with mom has had whatever degree of of unhealth, like we talked about in the last episode, there's a good chance that being around mom engages I'm gonna call it your little girl brain. Right? That you kinda go back to the way you thought when you were a child. Maybe even you go back into a child role in your family. Right? We all those of us raised in dysfunctional families, we all kinda have a role in our family. Right? And your role might be to keep mom happy or, you know, to keep dad from drinking too much or to keep mom and dad being peaceful with each other, whatever your role was in your family.

[00:21:27]:

When your family comes back, you kinda go right back into that role like a magnet. But I want you to understand that being around mom might engage your little girl brain. And this is a understand that being around mom might engage your little girl brain. And this is a concept from the good daughter syndrome book by Katherine Fabrizio. I mentioned it last time. But your little girl brain is akin to fight or flight. Right? Your little girl brain is not this complex part of your brain where you're using your prefrontal cortex to make really, like, well thought rational logic this logical decisions. Like, oh, mom said this, but now I believe this.

[00:22:02]:

And, you know, where you can make articulate arguments. No. No. No. You go back to little girl brain where you freeze. And some of you felt that. Right? Mom said something you had, like, maybe in your in your alone time, you had, like, the perfect response planned out for it. And she says the thing and you just freeze.

[00:22:20]:

Deer in the headlights, freeze. Or you freeze and then you go hide. You're like, you suddenly don't feel well. You have stomach issues. You might go take a nap to just go to sleep right away. You have to get away. You have to hide. Right? And some of you might fight back, but even in doing that, it feels super uncomfortable.

[00:22:41]:

You become really worried that you're doing the wrong thing or hurting mom or gonna give mom a heart attack, those sorts of things. But this little girl brain is akin to your survival brain. And so this holiday season, I just want you to be aware of your ability or inability to engage family at the holidays as an adult. Are you able to do that, or does that little girl brain, that survival brain have to take over? If it has to take over, friend, give yourself grace. And just, again, name what is happening. Oh, I'm in fight or flight. Oh, I'm stressed out. And just name it.

[00:23:22]:

Tell a friend, tell your husband what's happening, tell someone what's happening as you name it. And so, hopefully, someone can enter in with you and empathize with you and say, I'm sorry. Yes. I understand this is hard. This is stressful. Right? But name what's going on so you don't shame yourself. And then employ some strategies to try to calm yourself down. Hopefully, you've been able to set good boundaries if you're around family that that triggers this new all the time.

[00:23:54]:

Right? Like, maybe it's, okay. Thanksgiving is gonna be a 6 hour event, and then I'm out. Maybe that means you stay somewhere other than your childhood home, so you have a place to retreat to that is neutral territory. And friend, let me tell you, even if it costs you $200 a night, it's $200 a night well spent for your peace of mind and your sanity, so you don't have to stay in that fight or flight mode. Of course, even at that, some of you are thinking, I can't stay at a hotel. Mom would be so mad, and that would just make everything so much worse. So I get that too. And if that's your response, friend, that means you do have more work to do.

[00:24:30]:

So, friend, we're just starting the conversation. I mean, some of you are further along in your healing journey than others. But this mom piece is important. So at the end of the holiday season, just be aware. Don't be scared. Jesus is with you. You're safe. Nothing can separate you from his love.

[00:24:50]:

If you need to calm your body down by just saying that to yourself over and again or repeating some other scripture to yourself that's encouraging to your heart, maybe it's the 23rd Psalm. Maybe it's listening to praise and worship music all of the time. Maybe you just need to keep listening to podcasts or sermons that are encouraging to you, but keep your mind fixed on Christ. Keep breathing and know you can do this. You can heal from body image issues even if stuff with mom is really dangerous feeling and messed up. It's not too late. You can keep walking forward safely. There is a healing path for you, my friend.

[00:25:36]:

Thanks for listening today. I hope something today has helped you stop comparing and start living. Next time, we will talk about that attachment theory stuff. So I hope you'll join us for that. Hey. The Compared to You podcast is proud to be part of the Live Audio Podcast Network. From our great Christian podcast, one of my favorite podcasts.