Live Coaching Call, Part 2: Unpacking Control, Disappointment, and Expectations for Our Bodies [Podcast Transcript]

Title: Live Coaching Call Part 2/2: Unpacking Control, Disappointment, and Expectations for Our Bodies

Podcast Date: September 13, 2024

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Description 

Today Heather coaches her client Presli around her struggles with body image, the need for control, and the fear of judgment. Presli opens up about feeling frustrated by the perceived pressure to adhere to strict rules about her body, while others seemingly don't have similar expectations placed on them. She candidly shares her belief that smaller women have better experiences in life, attributing this to societal ideals perpetuated by the media and those around her. The discussion revolves around the deep desire to be seen and accepted, as well as the pressure to maintain a certain body image. Both Heather and Presli emphasize the need to find lasting contentment in an identity rooted in Christ, as opposed to seeking it from external sources.

They explore the theme of chronic disappointment and the struggle to trust in God's plan, with the notion that having control over every aspect of life does not lead to fulfillment. The episode provides a safe space for open dialogue, addressing the dissatisfaction of being loved or accepted for superficial reasons and the impact of appearance on relationships and self-perception. 

Here's the episode Presli and Heather discussed about the goodness of God: https://omny.fm/shows/compared-to-who/i-ruined-my-body-how-do-i-believe-my-body-is-good

Go check out our brand new Etsy show to get cute podcast merch: https://www.improvebodyimage.com/shop

New to the show? Learn more about Heather Creekmore, Heather's books, and the ministry of Compared to Who? at: www.improvebodyimage.com

Ready for real body image change? The 40-Day Journey began September 1. Learn more here: https://www.improvebodyimage.com/40-day-challenge

40 Day Journey Review [00:00:05]:

Hi, Heather. I just wanted to thank you so much for your book, for the 40 day body image workbook. I have learned so much just in the short amount of time I have been studying this book. One of the things that I love is it peels back all of the layers, and gets to the heart of why I myself have been so immersed in the diet culture and felt the need to compare and be accepted based on my appearance. And this book instead shows me that I am loved and accepted by God unconditionally. And that I take care of my body because it is a gift from God who loves me. So thank you for this book. Thank you for the opportunity to be on Zoom calls with you once a week. And I have really thoroughly enjoyed it. Thank you so much. This is Miranda. Thanks.

Heather Creekmore [00:01:11]:

And thank you, Miranda, for those kind words about the book. It's always exciting to hear how the book and the 40 day journey, the Zoom calls Miranda was talking about, have touched people's lives. Hey. If you wanted to be part of the 40 day journey and didn't sign up, like, we're 2 weeks in, you could still sign up. You can join us or you can wait till the next time around. But we do have replays available if you wanna join the 40 day journey. Just go to improve body image dotcom and look for the 40 day journey tab. Today, we're continuing my coaching session with Presli.

Heather Creekmore [00:01:45]:

If you didn't listen on Tuesday, go back and listen because that'll be the first part. We're just gonna jump right into where we finished the last time. But, oh, today, Presli and I get into some hot topics that I think you're gonna really relate to. So let's get right to it. Welcome to Compare to Who, the podcast to help you make peace with your body so you can savor God's rest and feel his love. If you're tired of fighting body image the world's way, Compare To Who is the show for you. You've likely heard lots of talk about loving your body, but my goal is different. Striving to fall in love with stretch marks and cellulite is a little silly to me.

Heather Creekmore [00:02:25]:

Instead, I want to encourage you and remind you with the truth of scripture that you are seen, you are known, and you are loved no matter what your size or shape. Here, the pressure is off. If you're looking for real talk, biblical encouragement, and regular reminders that God loves you and you're not alone, you've come to the right place. I hope you enjoy today's show, and, hey, tell a friend about it. And so there is this, like, interesting, like, kinda psychological, like, I wonder why we've given ourselves, it's a diagnosis of sorts. Right? Like, me and my body have to have this kind of life sentence. We have to be in this prison because this is what we deserve.

Heather Creekmore [00:03:14]:

This is what and and for some, it's this is the road that we've been on. And so we just ended up here. This is our penance. Right? We have to pay for the sins of our past. Right? Or or we just have always been paying for the sins of our past. And in some ways, I think that might be from our moms. Right? Like, mom had to pay, and so I'm still paying, kinda like a generational, like, a payment kind of thing. And then for others, I think it's just like I've just never felt good enough.

Heather Creekmore [00:03:49]:

So maybe if I could just pay this sentence, then I would feel like maybe I'm good enough. What of all of that, if anything, or maybe there's something else, like, is any of that ring true for the, like, why only Presli has to eat this way and everyone else at Mozambique can enjoy the food at the restaurant? What do you think rings true for you?

Presli [00:04:14]:

Yeah. I think that the aggravation comes in, like, yeah. Why do I have to do this? It sucks. Like, this is my lot in life that in order to be acceptable, I have to follow these rules and other people, you know, don't. They just get it. But, I mean, I'm growing from that now, but, like, I can see that that is the secret mindset. And I wrote in my journal from the module 9, it was asking about the fear and where does the fear come from and, like, what are lies I’m believing. And I was saying, like, I believe that smaller women, experience life brighter.

Presli [00:05:02]:

And I don't know why I came up with that, but that was just what I thought. Like, smaller women will get better experiences of life, and they'll enjoy moments more, and they'll have more full and satisfying life experiences than a bigger girl would or a bigger boned girl or, as I heard once, a “corn fed” girl, would have. 

Heather Creekmore [00:05:24]:

Yeah. Where do you think you got that idea?

Presli [00:05:32]:

That's a really good question. Like, maybe seeing the sizes of the girls on, like, Disney Channel who are always very small. And, like, I had people in my family that were very small, but, like, majority of people, I felt like if they weren't very small, they were probably trying to get very small. Where they “should” be.

Presli [00:06:01]:

I don't know. Like, those people have better lives, I thought. Maybe it's just TV or people around or just subliminal things that we pick up.

Heather Creekmore [00:06:14]:

Yeah. Who has the best life? Who is freest? Like, just a person. And it can be someone from childhood, but, like, who has it best? Who comes to your mind quickly?

Presli [00:06:34]:

Anyone who is, like, fit and confident and because they're fit and, you know, then they can really be seen 100% and just show up without any worries. But that I mean, saying it out loud, that doesn't make sense.

Heather Creekmore [00:06:54]:

Yeah. Well, it's interesting because actually, I think you said something spot on. Right? Which is the desire is to be seen 100%. Right? The desire is to be accepted and known and seen and loved and not have to hide anything because of shame or because of fear that you'll be rejected if someone, you know, sees this or that about you. Right? So that's spot on. But what's so interesting is okay. Like your story. I mean, you've had moments, seasons where you thought you were kind of at goal or close to goal or you know? 

Heather Creekmore [00:07:40]:

Did you feel 100% seen in those seasons?

Presli [00:07:47]:

Like, when I was younger, I would say I was, like at 16, I was probably my fittest. And I still, I mean, I felt better because and I think I felt better because I was moving my body on a regular basis. But I felt like I had to maintain that in order to be acceptable still. And then at I think 28, after I had Samuel, who's 2 now, I got down to where I felt better, but I still felt so much stress and pressure to maintain, and it was just consuming. Yeah. So it wasn't freedom. It was still bondage.

Presli [00:08:33]:

So, yeah, it didn't deliver. It surely didn't.

Heather Creekmore [00:08:36]:

Well, and what I'm thinking is for so many of us, right. I think we want to have a body that is 100% able to be seen kind of as our armor. Because there's so much going on on the inside that I don't want you to see that I'm a little worried that you're gonna reject what's going on in the inside. Because it's like, oh, I don't know if I want you to see all my crazy. Right? So like, so I'm just gonna make, or really like crazy is like my silly word, but like, or all my sadness or all my trauma or all my, like, heartache or all my mistakes.

Heather Creekmore [00:09:18]:

And it's really all my shame. Right? I don't want you to see all of my shame. So I'm gonna make sure that I look dang awesome on the outside. So you won't even really wanna get through the veneer. Right? You'll just see what's on the outside and be so impressed that you won't, like, even wonder what's going on on the inside. I'll just have your approval from what's on the outside. But I think we all know that that's not enough. Right? Because then eventually, like, even if you get married, let's say, and get married because you feel like you did a great enough job attracting this guy with what's on the outside.

Heather Creekmore [00:09:58]:

Right? He loves your body. You get married. But goodness gracious, marriage doesn't last if you just married you for your body. Right? Like that thing

Presli [00:10:07]:

That's when you'll definitely resent them.

Heather Creekmore [00:10:09]:

Right. You're like, I don't want you to just love me for my body. I want you to love me for me. I want you to know me on the inside and know what my favorite color is and how I drink my coffee and, you know, what I want for my birthday and Christmas. You should be able to guess all of that because you just know me so well. And he's like, but I thought you just wanted me to think you were hot.

Heather Creekmore [00:10:29]:

So gosh. And it's so like, it's just not satisfying. Yeah. What are you thinking?

Presli [00:10:36]:

It's not satisfying, and I think you'd be really dissatisfied. I would be really dissatisfied marrying someone for that reason or even having friendships for that reason. Or if people told me you're accept like, I felt like I was accepted in these surface level relationships. Yeah. It just wouldn't mean anything. And thinking about our relationship with God, if we, you know, only coming to him for things or for instance, for the way he looked, I mean, he wouldn't appreciate that. Nobody would appreciate that.

Heather Creekmore [00:11:12]:

Well, and then it's so fascinating to think about that too. Right? Because when Jesus came to Earth, he intentionally chose a body because he got to pick what he was gonna look like. Right? We didn't get to pick what we're gonna look like. Jesus got to pick what he was gonna look like to do ministry in. And Isaiah tells us that he wasn't anything to look at. Right? There was nothing about his physical appearance that would draw people to him. Right? And yet we're here, like, well, I have to have a physical appearance that would be magnetic in order to do ministry or in order to have friends, in order to, you know, love people well. And it's like, but that's not what Jesus said. We're modeled. Okay. We're drifting off a little bit from your story and kinda coaching you. Let's get back to what's going on with you. Where do you feel like you're kinda still struggling or stuck, or what's coming up for you?

Presli [00:12:12]:

Yeah. So I feel like having one foot in the world and one foot trying to follow the Lord. And, like, I know that the Lord refers to us as sheep because for me anyway, I'm super just goofy all over the place. I feel like I forget from one day to the next what I'm trying to do. But just getting that other foot out of the world and really surrendering to the Lord and putting his presence and loving him and living for him above all this other stuff. And that's probably why he didn't come to the world beautiful because he knew it would get in the way, and it would attract all the wrong things.

Heather Creekmore [00:12:48]:

Yeah.

Presli [00:12:49]:

So just a snatching that other foot out of the world and putting it back where it needs to go. Yeah. Or maybe it was never there. They're just getting it over there.

Heather Creekmore [00:12:58]:

Yeah. Right. Because, like, I think I said this in a podcast last season, but or last month. But I think if you got one foot in the world and one foot out of it, like, you're straddling the fence, like, what do you get? Kinda get a sore crotch. Right? So yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Let's go back a second, Presli, though.

Heather Creekmore [00:13:26]:

Let's go back to the anger again because I think we kind of have opened that can a little bit a couple times. Yeah. Do you still feel that anger sometimes around? Like, why do I have to worry about this? Why is this my problem?

Presli [00:13:45]:

Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes, like, when I'm trying to let things go or just and then I catch myself falling back into those thoughts, and I'm like, why is this my battle? And, like, why can't I just really let it go and not care? Or, like, I don't know. You're waking up in a weird mood and catching a glimpse in the mirror or, like, falling back into body checking and just, like, why am I still doing this? Why? I know better now. But then, like now I think through the course and everything in the the body image, group, 2 times, I'll probably do it 2 more. But, learning to just refocus and, like, I think I'm getting quicker and quicker at refocusing. So, yeah, maybe I'll every day always be pulling that one foot out of the world to God. Yeah.

Heather Creekmore [00:14:49]:

I think that is what it means to lay down your cross or take up your cross daily. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I was listening to a Tim Keller sermon. I know that's a surprise. But he was talking about anger. And he was talking about how so many of us think that anger is sin. Right? Like, we were told that anger is sin, but, you know, it's clear from scripture where he says be angry and do not sin.

Heather Creekmore [00:15:16]:

Right? So it's not are you sinning when you're angry. There's a way to be angry that's not sin filled. But I feel like a lot of the times when we're angry in this arena, it probably is not the righteous anger. Right? And Keller talks about how we're angry because we have the wrong God. Right? Yeah. And he shares the story in this, what led this episode I listened to really just today. You know, about a woman who was just really angry with God about how her children were growing up. And he talks through it with her and he's like, I think you're just really angry because your children have become the non negotiable.

Heather Creekmore [00:16:06]:

Your children, you know, and the woman was like, yeah, absolutely. Like, I'm done with God. If my kids don't come out right, I'm done with God. And he's like, you know, then your children are actually determining what like, they're determining your worldview. They're determining, like, everything. And I'm thinking about those of us with body image issues. Right? It's like, I think that anger, the anger you felt at the restaurant, the anger I felt at restaurants, you know, that anger is we've made ourselves and our body goals our god.

Presli [00:16:39]:

Yeah. Yep.

Heather Creekmore [00:16:42]:

And it's like we're horrible gods, aren't we? I mean, we really are. But it's like, I am so offended because you are, like, you know, not doing what I need and what I want and what's best for me, me, me, me, me. Oh, you're making funny faces. Yeah.

Presli [00:17:04]:

It hurts to think that. Yeah. That was and that ties perfectly into what that journaling question was on, module 9 where it says, in what ways have I been a controller or a control freak on my body? Is it freedom or bondage? Has control given you flexibility or bound you to rigidity? Has anyone noticed the need to control in me? And, yeah, like, absolutely, it wrecks relationships, and I have no flexibility when falling back into those patterns. Like, it just wrecks relationships. And so there was another podcast that I was listening to of yours that was like, can we give our spouses the, can we die to ourselves and and let our spouse load the dishwasher the way they load the dishwasher? Can we give up that control and sacrifice or lay down our life for our friends and that Bible verse. And that spoke to me that I try to control everything and subconsciously, and it drives me nuts. And I think that I was also doing that with body image.

Heather Creekmore [00:18:18]:

Yeah.

Presli [00:18:18]:

Just trying to control and, like, that spirit of perfection that just wrecks relationships.

Heather Creekmore [00:18:26]:

Yeah. And what do you think that spirit of perfection really is?

Presli [00:18:34]:

Maybe it's like feeling so out of control that it's trying to control, like, silly things and trying to, like, I don't know. Or just trying to gain some traction or control in life, by manipulating our bodies, the situations or yeah.

Heather Creekmore [00:19:00]:

Why do you think you'd do that, though? What do you think drives that?

Presli [00:19:10]:

Maybe, like I wanna say sometimes what the fear of, like, what other people think or how you show up in the world. Just elevating my own opinions of how things should go or or how they should look and, like, leaving no room for God's plan.

Heather Creekmore [00:19:38]:

Yeah. I'm gonna say 100% of it is fear. Right? Yeah. Like and it's weird because some of the fear, I think, comes from our ideals. Right? Like, I'm afraid if things don't work out the way I've planned it to work out, it's not gonna be good or I'm not gonna be safe. Right? 

Heather Creekmore [00:20:07]:

And so if you don't, you know, I mean, let's talk about the dishwasher. Right? It's like, what is the worst thing that's gonna happen if someone loads the dishwasher wrong? Right? Like Yeah. You might have dishes that don't look as clean as you want them to look or I don't know. It's like what, I can't think of, maybe your plastic stuff will melt if it's on the bottom shelf, and you have to throw some stuff away. Like, I don't know, maybe a pot would get scratched or something. Like the worst, like devastating consequences of the dishwasher being loaded wrong. You know, and most of us can probably laugh that off. Right? Like, of course, that's not that big of a deal, but I think it's just symptomatic.

Heather Creekmore [00:20:53]:

It's just like, it's like, no. I'm at this place where all of these little things in my life have to be right. Because I'm afraid if one of them is wrong. I'm not gonna be okay. What words would you give to him?

Presli [00:21:17]:

Like, for me, I noticed myself, like, with my husband. I don't know if I'm just crazier than another person. Or I have OCD tendencies. I don't know. But my husband can be so sweet and nice and offer to wash the dishes, and I'll stand over him watching him the whole time. I'm like, but that's not the sponge I use. That's not the right rag. Are you gonna dry those? Are you gonna put them away? There's still dishes on the stove. Are you gonna leave that? And, like, I just feel like I'm a micromanaging terrorist.

Heather Creekmore [00:21:45]:

Yeah. So why? Like, this does connect to body image stuff. It really does. So, like, let's go there. Like, why? Why do you do that? If you're conscious of it, why do you think you do it?

Presli [00:22:01]:

Because I want it to be just right. And, like or even sometimes, like, 6 to 8, we have a plan to go to a particular restaurant, and, like, maybe that restaurant's closed or whatever. And, like, we have to choose a different place that's, like, not planned, then I might think, oh, this is gonna suck. This is not what I wanted. I wanted, you know, I wanted this particular thing. And then come to find out, it was a really nice time. But I complained the whole way there.

Heather Creekmore [00:22:30]:

Yeah.

Presli [00:22:30]:

Because it's not how I wanted it, and I don't leave any room for spontaneity.

Heather Creekmore [00:22:35]:

Yeah. Yeah. So in my book, The Burden of Better, I talk about a condition I call CDD. It's not a real condition, but “Chronic Disappointment Disorder”. Right? 

Presli [00:22:48]:

Yeah. And I think it is real for a lot of us.

Heather Creekmore [00:22:51]:

I mean, I was exactly the same way you are, you know, at your age and older. If it wasn't exactly as planned, then it was a problem. It was bad. It was wrong. Right? And I was disappointed. And I was just, I spent most of my life, I think, just disappointed or waiting to be disappointed.

Presli [00:23:14]:

Right. Why? Why is that?

Heather Creekmore [00:23:19]:

Well, I think, Presli, it goes back to a podcast episode. We should probably link to this in the show notes, but a podcast episode from earlier in the summer. Like, what are we doubting when we're always expecting things to be bad? What are we doubting? Yeah. What is it?

Presli [00:23:45]:

If it's God's goodness or we're not trusting that yeah. Yeah. But I've heard that myself. That's crazy. That is way too deep for this issue. That does not relate. But then I was thinking about it that it really does. It really does.

Presli [00:24:00]:

Like, like, even believing in your own salvation, like, can you trust the word of God? Like, that episode about, if you struggle to feel loved.

Presli [00:24:11]:

And you're like, you can't believe your husband can love you, then how can you believe God loves you? And it's like, oh, yeah. So I'm not trusting God and, like, what is faith? Is it taking God at his word that he means what he says? And, like, I struggle with that a lot. Like, I'll like, am I really saved? Did I get baptized the right way? Was I having the correct thoughts when I got baptized? And, like, was I? Was I? Was I? Was I? And it's like, Lord, help me.

Heather Creekmore [00:24:40]:

Yeah. It's not all on you. It's all on him. Right?

Presli [00:24:45]:

Yeah.

Heather Creekmore [00:24:46]:

Yeah. It's like we, I think we're just so bent probably from childhood and maybe some trauma in childhood. Right? Like so bent on having to earn it or prove it or work for it. Right? That it's really difficult to accept the fact that what Jesus did is enough, and I don't have to earn his love. Maybe in the same way I had to earn mom's love or earn dad's love, you know, or earn your boyfriend's love. Right? Like, we have learned conditional love. And unconditional love is really a foreign concept. So yeah.

Heather Creekmore [00:25:33]:

I mean, I think that's normal. Yeah. Go ahead.

Presli [00:25:38]:

You hear that episode of Tim Keller when he was talking about when Jesus became sin for us on the cross? He didn't actually become sinful. He just legally became sin for us. And then he went on to talk about how we legally become Jesus. It's like we exchange identities. And I just was like, so am I believing that? Am I accepting that?

Heather Creekmore [00:26:03]:

Yeah. And I think, like, to kinda tie this back to the washing dishes thing. And even to tie it back to the restaurant thing, maybe we'll just tie it all up with a nice, nice, neat bow here. But I think when our identity is confident in Christ, right, and we understand that like everything good in my life is his grace and I can trust him, even if it doesn't go as planned, even if it's not what I expected, he's still good. I can trust him.

Heather Creekmore [00:26:36]:

Right? When our identity is rooted in that, I think we are also free to let other people off the hook in terms of their relationship with us and the potential they have of hurting our identity. So when a husband is responsible for identity, right, the husband is like, you know, you hold, he holds too much power. Right? Like if, if you hurt me, my identity is crushed. So I have to control you and make sure you do everything just right because I don't want my identity to be crushed. When food and size is about identity, then a restaurant can destroy you by giving you too much butter!

Heather Creekmore [00:27:21]:

Because they have all the power over your identity. Right? But when your identity is rooted in Christ, like butter schmutter.

Presli [00:27:31]:

Like, okay, whatever. 

Heather Creekmore [00:27:34]:

I mean, you know, I'm not saying you gotta, like, lick the bowl the butter it was in, but it's not gonna really matter. It's not gonna hurt you. Right? And if your husband, like, does something that you don't like or, you know, doesn't say the right compliment to you or forgets a birthday or forgets your favorite flower. Like, it's like, if your identity is still secure, you can relate to him as someone who is confident in Christ, and it frees him because it's almost like, Presli, when we can only feel conditional love, we can only offer conditional love to other people. Right? Like you better be perfect. You better do it perfect. Cause that's all I can handle. But when we are free to understand that we are unconditionally loved, then we have freedom to let other people make mistakes.

Heather Creekmore [00:28:31]:

And, oh my goodness, it makes us better wives. It makes us better parents, for sure. Better restaurant patrons.

Presli [00:28:41]:

Yeah. Oh my goodness. Yeah. Yeah. I wrote that down on that also that, when you struggle to feel loved podcast, I don't feel loved because I don't love well.

Presli [00:28:53]:

And really hit home to me because I struggle to love well. And I also struggle to believe I'm loved, not necessarily my husband, but God and trusting that and I do. Like, when my husband says you're beautiful, I'm like, yeah. But you're weird.

Heather Creekmore [00:29:08]:

Yeah. Yeah.

Presli [00:29:10]:

So that was perfect for me.

Heather Creekmore [00:29:12]:

Yeah. You have to call him a liar. Well, I think that's good for this part of the session. Let's come back and see what else is going on with you. Okay?

Presli [00:29:36]:

Awesome.

Heather Creekmore [00:29:37]:

Hey. Thanks for listening into this coaching session I did with Presli. If you are interested in 1 on 1 coaching with me, reach out. Heather at compared to dot me, and we can talk about your options. I would love the opportunity to walk with you and help you sort through your body image stuff that's keeping you stuck. Thanks for listening today. I hope something has helped you stop comparing and start living. Bye bye.