What If His Ex Was Prettier Than Me?

Does your man’s past affect how you feel about your body? Does your husband have a past that makes you feel insecure-especially when it comes to physical intimacy?

 

Or do you have a boyfriend with a past and the thought of marriage and intimacy makes you feel inadequate? Here’s an email I recently received from a reader and my response as to how to deal if your man’s past affects your body image.

 

Dear Heather:

 

My husband loves Jesus but he has a past. He didn’t start following Christ until later in life and he’s accumulated lots of, shall I say, experience. I feel intimidated by the fact that he’s been with other women. I also know that he’s struggled with pornography. How can I ever feel like I’ll be good enough for him, physically, knowing he’s seen other (more beautiful) women? I know he’s a new man, but I feel hopeless sometimes–like there’s nothing I can do to stop these thoughts while we make love. I’m obsessing over who he’s seen and how I can improve my body to try to keep up. (Of course, I’m over 35 and have had babies. . .so keeping up seems like a lost cause!)

 

What should I do?

 

Sincerely,

J.

 ***

Dear J:

 

My husband became a Christian while in a tent stationed in the middle east during Operation Enduring Freedom. He was 27. He was a Marine Fighter pilot who lived the “Top Gun” life before coming to faith. I struggled with body image long before I met him. But since I was saving sex until marriage, I had doubts as to whether or not it was even a good thing for me to marry this man, now on fire for God, because he had so much in his past.

 

 

So, to your question. How do you stop comparing? How can keep your husband’s past from impacting your intimacy now?

You’ll find more freedom to stop comparing when you are able to forgive him for and let go of the sin in his past.

 

I’m sure he desperately wants to let go of it, and you holding onto it can ultimately hurt him in his attempt to really embrace restoration and newness in Jesus. Jesus’ blood was either good enough for those sins, or it wasn’t. So, if you and he believe it was (obviously I do too!), then, you need to close that door and not go there again–out loud or in your head.

 

One thing that helped me as I wrestled with these issues was the acknowledgement that my husband wasn’t a “bigger sinner” than I was because of his sexual sin. I carried a false pride into our marriage, believing I was the “pure” and more “righteous” one. As you may guess, that led to some marital conflict. Pride never brings unity. Counseling helped me sort out that we were both sinners and I was immature (and wrong) to believe his sins were worse than mine.

 

Let your man’s sins be thrown as far as the east is from the west too. Don’t dig them up for him and remember them, while he’s trying to forget them. He may still be haunted by those images from the past–but I assure you, if Jesus is working in his heart he wants to let them go. So, help him do that.

Second: Acknowledge Beauty’s Lying to You.

So, stop buying that lie that hotter women have better sex.